Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Aries: Clouds is delighted to report that some good ass-trological energy is headed your way. So don’t be surprised if both your creative and procreative juices start flowing like spring run-off in the Eastern Sierra. Therefore, your words of wisdom come from John Muir: “Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where nature may heal and give strength to body and soul.”

Taurus: Your assignment for the week is really pretty simple. In fact, you could call it downright fun. It’s to make up positive new words to describe your life. To help get you started, try doing so while scantily clad and start with “Splend-elicious,” “Karma-tastic” and “Fanni-licious.”

Gemini: The Stars say you should start getting to the bottom of things. You know, dig deep and find out what the truth is, what the foundation is really made out of and what parts need some mending. While this might not be easy, it will be rewarding. So hang in there, and remember that it’s not the occasional cold shoulder that gets you; it’s the knee to the groin.

Cancer: You might have been feeling as though you’ve been having some communication issues recently. Clouds is pleased to report that these snafus are soon to go the way of “New Coke ” and Jay Leno’s popularity. Instead things should start going down as smooth as a good bottle of Pinot Noir. Therefore, your new line comes from the film Sideways: “Just make up whatever you want and that’s what happened.”

Leo: If Leos have been following the Stars advice for the last few years then one word has been constantly drilled into your head: patience. Hopefully your handle on patience has grown strong, because it will come in handy for the next few weeks, while some of your heart’s biggest desires begin their final descents towards you. To help, remember: It’s only the ones crazy enough to think they can actually change the world that ever do.

Virgo: Clouds knows at least three things: Holding a grudge doesn’t get you anywhere; both gettin’ and givin’ love makes you happy; and laughter is the best medicine whenever the pharmacies and bars are closed. Now take these words of wisdom and go out there and tackle the world. P.S. You might want to wear an athletic supporter/sports bra. It can get a little rough out there.

Libra: To help you become as successful as you were born to be, memorize the following. From Wayne Gretzky: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” From Clouds: “Success is getting paid to do what you’re passionate about.” From Oscar Wilde: “We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

Scorpio: As a helpful reminder to one of Clouds’ favorite signs: this year will be full of challenges you were born to handle with grace, joy, hard work, love and partial nudity. To help, adopt these lines. From Kelly Clarkson: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!” And from Winston Churchill:  “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak. Courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

Sagittarius: We all evolve. Some of  us do it faster than others, some with more flair. Sometimes you can feel as small as a mouse, other times as large as bear. But don’t worry or have any fear. You can always tell when a Sagittarian is evolving, for they like to do so with flair … and while wearing little more than comfy underwear.

Capricorn: Studies show that there are a handful of keys to happy couplehood. For your convenience, here’s a summary: Touch often; Talk about everything; Be positive; Be able to take “time outs;” Don’t go out and spend time with someone you shouldn’t; At least once a week go on a date, preferably while wearing undergarments illegal in most Southern states.

Aquarius: Since it would be wise for members of this sign to curb their sometimes sharp tongues, here are a few things you might want to refrain from saying: “I only took this job because I thought I could screw my way to the top, but you’re all too damn ugly!” “Shove it up your cornhole!” and “Better to have loved and lost than to have spent my whole life with that nutjob!”

Pisces: Dear Pisces, for many years your motto has come from Crosby, Stills and Nash: “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.” But Clouds has a new motto for you: “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, it’s about time you tried Skype or upgraded your cell phone.”