Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aries: It looks as though the Stars recommend that your birthday gift to yourself should be self-acceptance. This is going to be a great year to really get to know yourself. To help it go smoothly, try working on visualizing success, happiness, inner peace and happy endings you don’t have to pay extra for. It might also help to accept the motto of the Springfield Police Department: “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”
Taurus: Since laughter is the most important ingredient in the recipe for your ultimate happiness and success, laugh more often! These lines might help. From Cormac McCarthy: “That’s the problem with Chinese (lovers), an hour later you’re horny again.” From Clouds: “There’s a big difference between doing nearly the right thing and doing exactly the right thing, especially while lovemaking.” And from Jenna on 30 Rock: “Listen up, fives, a ten is speaking.”
Gemini: As with most Geminis, you like to keep your demands simple. All you really ask for is the world, preferably scantily clad and a bit out of breath, on a platter. The question is: Is that too much to ask for? And the answer is: Not really; so long as you’re not a big jerk to too many other people, and you give the server a fat tip. And Clouds doesn’t mean a tip such as: “Don’t tinkle into the wind.”
Cancer: This much we know is true: Sock monkeys were invented in 1932. Sea Monkeys are really just brine shrimp. “Shrimp” is a term for short people, as well as the main ingredient in most scampis, jumbo and etouffee. With Jazz Fest arriving, dance more and remember not to treat the important people in your life like cocktail sauce.
Leo: Many Leos are feeling overwhelmed right now, so remember that it’s always most chaotic before the calm. Lots of good things are headed your way, all you need to do is be prepared. To help, try listening to some John Mayer: “Somewhere broken people, this is me I’m working on. Good Love is on the way.”
Virgo: The rest of the month looks very promising for Virgos careers, even if the rewards won’t arrive for a spell. Just be sure you don’t sell-out your soul. Staying positive will help, so will remembering there isn’t that much of a difference between celebrating while singing “Ave Maria” or bellowing out “Brown Chicken, Brown Cow.”
Libra: It’s true that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. It’s also true that we need to give fear a beat down like it stole our milk money when we were kids, but we’re all grown up now and have watched a lot of Bruce Lee movies. Henceforth, your new mantra comes from the Dragon: “As you think, so shall you become.”
Scorpio: You’ve just entered an ass-trological period where you’ll truly start to figure out what happiness and love really mean in your life, and how best to improve and enjoy them. To get you moving in the right direction, try listening to something that makes you feel good, such as some John Lennon: “Well I tell them there’s no problem, only solutions.”
Sagittarius: A Sagittarian was overheard saying something along these lines: “My Horrorscopes have really sucked eggs recently.” Here’s Cloud’s response: Dear Sagittarius, First, as the old saying goes “the more you complain, the longer you remain.” Next, “I was just wondering how you like your eggs in the morning so I can prepare them properly” is a pretty good pick-up line. Finally, whatever you do, don’t go suck an egg, unless you’re into that sort of thing, in which case, more power to you.
Capricorn: The Stars ask you to try to not make your life so hard. Sure, to spice things up you need a little drama now and then, but you don’t need to turn your life into an endless soap opera. Therefore your new, laissez-faire attitude will be modeled by the Major from the ‘70s TV show, Soap: “Let’s synchronize our watches. It’s now 3-ish.”
Aquarius: The bad news is that you’ll probably be feeling unfulfilled at work or have some struggles with a co-worker for the next few weeks. The good news is you’ll be gaining power and good karma in your career by the end of the month. The key will be to not tell anyone they can “Go eat a turd burger!” Unless you, at least, offer them a beer to wash it down with.
Pisces: Money matters, and that’s really unfortunate because things were a lot simpler back when we could just trade for things. Therefore, to help you better understand your money matters, try to remember that love is free and you deserve as much as you give. So here’s hoping you have someone you can trade out rounds of “Tickle My Elmo” with.
