Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Pisces: Studies have shown that right-handed people tend to live longer, though slightly less enjoyable lives than do left-handed people. But studies have also shown that “southpaws” tend to be higher achievers and more ambidextrous than righties. Regardless of which is your dominant hand, it looks like you’ll be spending much of the next year of your life raising them over your head while hollering out, “Whooppee!” “Yeehaw!” and “Please do that again!”

Aries: They say that butt crack is the new cleavage. Therefore it’s only natural to assume that they’ll soon come up with push-up panties and pooper-scooper, low rise, rear entry, butt-fabulous blue jeans. The real question is who are “they,” and how come “they” seem to have so much more free time than you do?

Taurus: Your lucky color for the week is amber, as in “amber waves of grain” or “Saved By The Bell” starlet Tiffani-Amber Thiessen. The stars are also saying if you play your cards right (know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, know when to give one to that hottie who caught your eye, that sort of thing) you’re sure to be saved by the bell. Here’s hoping that Screech isn’t the one helping you out … if he is, then you’re probably screwed.

Gemini: They say that bad things happen in threes. While that may very well be the case, it certainly isn’t absolute, and this triplicity philosophy definitely doesn’t apply to good things, which can arrive at any moment and come as singles, doubles, or in Clouds’ favorite forms: ice cold six-packs and pant-less group hugs.

Cancer: If you’re in need of a little lovin’ this week (and quite frankly, who isn’t?), keep in mind that it usually takes a little while to tap into your sensuality, but once tapped, you quickly start to resemble a keg at a frat party. So your advice for is to wear something you don’t mind getting wet and keep your eyes peeled for people who like to do “keg stands.”

Leo: Your mission, should you have the cajones to accept it, is to accept that your life is a gift, and not just any old gift. It’s the one you’ve always wanted. Luckily, unlike the gift you always wanted when you were five, this one doesn’t require batteries and comes in more colors than pink, red or day-glo.

Virgo: Your question for the week is: If you’d do it anyway, why wouldn’t you do it for love? Your answer for the week is 42. Your good luck charms are small domestic pets; just try to avoid any ferrets, because even after they’ve been de-scented they still smell like donkey butts.

Libra: Your assignment for the week is to count your blessings — though, Clouds expects it’ll take a while. You’re being asked to do this as a sort of spiritual blessing to yourself and it’s something you should do more often. Just be sure to keep your list positive, which means don’t add anything to it such as the following: #13) My ex got run over by a snow blower. Twice.

Scorpio: We all evolve. Some faster than others, some with more flair. Sometimes you may feel as small as a mouse, sometimes as large as a bear. But don’t you worry. Don’t have any fear. For Scorpios evolve with great care, and usually do so while prancing around in little more than skimpy underwear.

Sagittarius: Unfortunately, the world can be a downright crappy place. Some people are always acting like they just stepped in big, stinky piles of dog doo and that other people are nicely placed doormats. Fortunately, there is something you can do about all this: anything even remotely kind, caring or compassionate. After all, we can use all the help we can get. Handing out handy wipes comes in handy, too.

Capricorn: Spoken words have incredible power, so watch what you let stumble out of your yap for the next several weeks, especially around family. For you never know when what sounds like simple fun to you will sound like a good reason for a restraining order to someone else.

Aquarius: The featured band for this summer’s Bluesapalooza beer festival is Los Lonely Boys. Their best-known song asks the question, “How far is heaven?” To which Clouds would like to answer: “Hey, nincompoops! It’s just around the next good attitude bend, about a half a smile away.”