Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: Since this is the perfect year to reinvent—or even just find—yourself, please be sure to do the following things: 1) Be optimistic. 2) Be open to new opportunities, especially ones you normally wouldn’t take advantage of. #) Adopt one of these quotes from fellow Gemini, Clint Eastwood: A) “Sometimes if you want to see a change for the better, you have to take things into your own hands.” Z) “I tried being reasonable. I didn’t like it.”
Cancer: The real point of astrology is to help empower people. When done well, a horoscope should help readers make the most out of their gifts and face their challenges with confidence. When done really well, a HorrorScope should make the readers laugh so hard they almost pee their pants. In that blue vein, here are your new words of wisdom: “A word to the wise is usually a waste of time. It’s the dumb asses who really need it.”
Leo: One of the greatest parts about life is that we’re all allowed to make up our own soundtracks. To keep in tune with this, Clouds would like you to add some reggae to yours. And if necessary, any reggae accoutrements you feel are necessary. Here’s some Bob Marley to get you rolling, “Don’t forget your history. Know your destiny. In the abundance of water, the fool is thirsty.”
Virgo: In astrology, your moon sign relates to your personality, your inner thoughts and your relationship with family. To help better accept these parts of yourself, please try to remember that we’re all freaks in our own way, some of us just self-medicate better.
Libra: If there’s one thing Clouds likes in a person, it’s full frontal nudity. But beyond that, what Clouds like most in people are: compassion, passion and a go-getter attitude. As ass-trological luck would have it, Libras have these traits in abundance. How abundant, you may ask (or may have simply forgotten)? How about super-sized with curly fries.
Scorpio: Clouds’ goal for you for the week is to help keep you on track and remind you you’re capable of just about anything your pretty (sometimes prickly) little heart desires. Therefore, your words of wisdom for the week will come from best-selling author, Amy Tan: “In America, nobody says you have to keep the circumstances somebody else gives you.”
Sagittarius: As a public service reminder to Sagittarians, Clouds would like to remind you that there are certain things in life you can always have, you deserve and are in greater abundance of than you ever imagined. They are, in no particular order: joy, luck, used copies of the Joy Luck Club, love, wealth, fulfillment , containers of “Happy Sauce,” self-acceptance, fresh air and feeling like your life is a fabulous friggin’ dream come true!
Capricorn: Just in case you forgot, here are a few reminders about the truth in life. 1) Happiness isn’t based on objects, it’s based on state of mind. 2) What we refuse to let go of (anger, stress, jealousy over Justin Bieber’s success) is what really destroys us. 3) Laughter is a key to happiness and healing. Cubed) And your questionable philosophy comes courtesy of Bieber Fever, “Haters are just confused admirers.”
Aquarius: With last month’s Mercury retrograde now just a hazy memory, the haze should start to clear surrounding some kind of hidden issue in your life. So try to be aware, be open, be honest and be all right with giving yourself some space or time if you need it. Getting out in nature usually helps, as does going au natural.
Pisces: Pisces are blessed with an ability to commune with the spirits. That’s one of the main reasons Pisces have to be careful about doing too much communing with the wrong kind of spirits, like Jack Daniels, Pyotr Smirnoff, Robert Mondavi or Apple-tinis. After all, not even the best spirits can understand a word of Drunkanese.
Aries: One of the best things to do during challenging times, like what many folks are facing now, is to try to find inner peace. For some, Yoga works, others hike, bike, write, garden, spend time with pets of children. Whatever you decide to do, make sure it includes plenty of fresh air, especially if you’re doing Yoga since some poses tend to make you gassy.
Taurus: To help keep your life on track and you as healthy as possible, please be advised of the following reasons to laugh: It boosts your immune system. It decreases stress. A guy walks into a Psychiatrists office wearing nothing but shoes and a smile and the first thing the Doctor says is: “I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
(Image: thechalkboardmag.com)
