Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Leo: Since your life has begun to turn the corner toward your next glorious chapter, your words of wisdom should make you laugh and think. They are a variety of quotes by another successful Leo, the 31st President, Herbert Hoover. 1) “Words without actions are the assassins of idealism.” 11.) “All men are equal before fish.” 111.) “A good many things go around in the dark besides Santa Claus.”

Virgo: A new study has proven that BMW drivers are, well, jerks. People who drive “Beemers” tend to drive more aggressively, display more road rage behavior and are less likely to stop for pedestrians than folks who drive other cars like Toyotas, Dodges and Monster Trucks. Prius drivers didn’t fare too well either. Therefore, try to be more compassionate both on and off the road and never give in to Prius-envy.

Libra: Here are your great questions about the Universe to ponder for the week. A) If Wal-Mart is always lowering prices, then how come nothing is ever free? B) Why does it seem like your running on a stopwatch when you should be using a sundial? L ) What if the only thing holding you back is you? Y) Carl’s Jr., Fatburger, Five Guys or In-N-Out?

Scorpio: Since so many Scorpios are finally figuring out who they really are, your new anthem comes from The Who: “Sun shines, and people forget. The spray flies as the speedboat glides, and people forget. The girls smile, and people forget. The snow packs as the skier tracks, and people forget. Forget their hiding, behind and eminence front. It’s a put on.” Yes, it’s a put. So stop falling for it and giving your power away.

Sagittarius: Hey there you feisty, hornier than the average Sagittarian, Clouds has some good news for you. The Stars are reporting that starting this week positive light will start to shine on the financial and work aspects of your life. To help you make the most out of this, try to always eat a nutritious breakfast and try adopting this saying: “I’m magically delicious.”

Capricorn: Even though it seems like we are way too big to fit, sometimes we all fall through the cracks. We seem to get stuck down there with the cigarette butts, crusty chewing gum and crumpled receipts from Jack-in-the-Box. So the next time you happen to find yourself crunched between the cracks please try to remember this: Clouds still loves you and thinks you look incredible scantily clad!

Aquarius: There’s something about Aquarians that most of us find irresistible. Part of what fascinates us so much is that we can feel the passion hidden beneath your cool demeanor. Therefore, to help us worship you a little easier, your new mantra is: “You make my boxers/Granny panties feel like a thong.”

Pisces: Looks like work is going to be taking up more of your time. As is often the case with work, other words also pop up, like “Screw you and the horse you rode in on!” Please try to remember that cool heads always prevail, and that you should always offer to at least kiss the horse before making such a statement.

Aries: Studies have shown that women are twice as likely to find a man attractive if they know he’s in a relationship. Other studies have shown that men don’t care if a woman is single or not, they just like what they like. Once again, this goes to prove you can get money to study almost anything. Therefore, always remember that the love you give is the love you get, so you might as well buff yourself out.

Taurus: The Stars wanted to let you know that you’ll probably start paying a lot more attention to the little details in life, especially those involving work or relationships. Therefore, please try to remember that it’s really the little things that make a difference anyway—and even if it’s too little, that’s why they invented Viagra and published “Fifty Shades of Grey.”

Gemini: Here are your truths for the week: It’s true that two wrongs don’t make a right. It’s true that karma exists. It’s true that nobody’s perfect. It’s true that we’re all perverts in our own way. It’s true that George Burns said love was “a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on X-rays but you know it’s there.

Cancer: Cancerians, or “Moon People” as some astrologers call them, tend be very ethereal people. To help you enjoy the latter half of summer, please enjoy a quote from a very ethereal summer game, golf. From Tin Cup: “You define the moment or the moment defines you.”