Wolf’s On The Sauce And He’s Not Lovin’ It
By Wolf
“Welcome to McDonalds, What can I get for you?” Transfixed by the odors of greasy fries, and sizzling beef, I recently found myself in Mammoth Lakes’ local McDonalds. Gazing at the illuminated sign of greasy comfort like a deer in headlights I was awoken from my oily daydream by a tall lanky teenager from behind the counter.
Um…uhh…I guess…umm…well… I’ll have uhh…how about a ten piece McNugget meal? “Okay, and what to drink?” I guess….uh….I’ll haaaave…ummm…uh…how about… spri…a Coke?
I paid the young lad and figured it was a typical interaction you would expect at any McDonalds. While standing over to the side waiting for my crusty little wads of deep fried poultry paradise, I happened to notice a small laminated piece of paper taped to the wall. Essentially the declaration read;
“McDonald’s Sauce Policy: 6 piece McNugget = 1 sauce, 10 piece McNugget= 2 sauces, 20 piece McNugget = 4 sauces, extra sauce = twenty-five cents”
Holy sh*t, a sauce policy?!
The McPloyee came back with my feedbag and asked, “Do you want any ketchup with that?” I took a few ketchups and decided to test the kid on this newly discovered sauce blocking policy. “Oh,” I said peering into the bag, “can I get a few more sauces?” The McPloyee reluctantly looked down at the counter and sighed, “I’m really sorry man, It’s uh…it’s another twenty-five cents per sauce.” I could tell this employee has dealt with this before, and was fearful that I would explode with McRage. But, I paid for two more barbeque tubs and asked if people ever get upset with this policy. “Yeah, some people flip out and yell at me; actually it happens all the time.” I believe it, I responded. Why do you guys charge extra for sauces? “Well, basically the price of sauce has gone up and so we have to charge the extra twenty-five cents.”
I got home and tore into the McNuggets. After about three nugs in I started to realize that I had more than enough sauce. I only ended up using one little tub. How many sauces does the average person really need? My friends in town claim they go through anywhere from 6 to 8 sauces for a ten piece. Obviously I’m in the minority when it comes to dipping theory. The Houdini, the Donkey Punch, the Wonton Wheel Barrel, Nuggnuts are always coming up with new ways to drown a nugget. During these recessionary times perhaps we need to reevaluate our dipping techniques and adapt a style that is more economical.
According to raw ingredients listing on the wholesale packaging of McNuggets, chicken breast accounts for less than 50% of the product. The other mystery ingredients must be more absorbent than average poultry. Recent studies have indicated that the 63% of Americans double dip their McNuggets, resulting in a rising demand for extra sauce.
If our local McDonalds is charging an extra .25 per sauce does this mean there’s a sauce shortage. Why have the prices gone up? The Sauce Kings of Fresno, California (a popular Barbeque joint) claimed that barbecue sauce prices have stayed consistent with inflation. When asked if there is a sauce shortage epidemic in the United States they responded, “No, what?”
The cost of living in a ski town isn’t cheap. I can understand to a degree why everything here is more expensive. Is it the second home owners that are causing this sauce policy? Perhaps, McDonalds is using the money from the sauce policy to pay off the extremely awesome daycare substitute they have in the back also known as the Playland? I know a lot of people that love rollin’ around in there. Are the Nuggnuts being taxed so that Jack Lunch will have a place to drop off his kid while he makes phone calls?
Even with a pending depression our country’s horizon we Americans are truly a gluttonous nation. It’s not a matter of whether I need all of this extra sauce, or my gorging friends. We live in a world were every nugget is identical to the next. This is a world of consistency. How can we live in a world with free sauce and then wake up one day with a ridiculous sauce policy? Ronald McDonald must be spinning in his clown grave.
An establishment is allowed to make any rules it wants, but when you’re a worldwide franchise people expect consistency. If we grew up with a sauce policy no one would be complaining (trust me I’m not the only one, try googling “sauce policy”). People go to McDonalds knowing everything will taste the same, smell the same and cost the same. Why not start charging for ketchup too? It’s just as random and inconsistent as the sauce policy. Wait a minute…isn’t ketchup a sauce? McPloyees shovel out ketchup packets by the handful. How can they be so cavalier about barbeque sauce waste when they dump 15 pouches of ketchup in my feedbag? Why not create a napkin policy as well? I’m always seeing people grab a McCrapload of napkins every time I go to McDonalds.
It just seems like there has to be another way to subsidize the sauce. The McNugget customers have been the most loyal and reliable in the fast-food world. Even through PETA protests, Supersize Me slander, and heart attack lawsuits, the Nuggnuts never stopped stuffing their faces. It seems kind of McStupid to penalize one of your biggest customer groups.
Those of you who are thinking fast-food is disgusting and that this might be the stupidest thing you ever read, let me tell you something. It’s not just a little tub of barbeque sauce; it’s a saucy sanctuary, where everyone from the average blue collar worker to the white collared pencil pusher can dunk away his worries of the world. How can you put a price on irriguous sanctity?
President-Elect Barack Obama once said, “Hope in the face of difficulty, hope in the face of uncertainty, the audacity of hope: In the end, that is God’s greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation, a belief in things not seen, a belief that there are better days ahead,” I’m not sure, but he probably went on to say later that day “a belief in a nation absent of sauce policies.”
This is America, and we want ONE carton PER nugget. That’s not excess, it’s the freedom to bathe your sock-shaped bit of processed chicken in a little tub of heaven. Great Depression II or not, you can’t get cheap on us after decades of free sauce. Were in a recession McDonalds, help us out a little.
