Horrorscopes
Pisces: Your role model for this next year of your life is fellow Pisces Nate Ruess. The scrawny singer lost his confidence after having two records fail and his band split up. But he didn’t give up and eventually helped form the Grammy-winning band Fun. So whenever you hear one of his songs, please remember that anything is still possible. As he sings: “No, nothing is as bad as it seems … Just give me a reason, just a little bit’s enough!”
Aries: Positive financial opportunities will start bouncing around you. To make the most of them, don’t make any major financial decisions and be sure to make any chance to earn a few extra bucks a bigger priority than sitting on the couch, ripping tubes and eating Double Stuffed Oreos.
Taurus: Studies have shown that listening to country music makes you happier and more hopeful about life. That is, so long as your dog didn’t just run-off with your pick-up truck and/or significant other. Therefore, add the following Gary Allen line to your soundtrack: “Life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.”
Gemini: It looks like someone may be lying to you. This lie, more than likely, involves promises that have about as much chance of coming true as snowball does of surviving in Sochi. Therefore, please try to keep your cool, don’t take anything too personally and beware of anyone mostly-clothed saying stuff like: “I know you’re nobody’s fool, but I was hoping you’d be mine.”
Cancer: If there’s one thing Clouds would like Cancerians to work on this week … it’s actually two things. The first is to take more responsibility for where your life is at, the good, the not-so-good and the downright joyful. The other is to keep an even keel by listening to more stuff like the following from the Grateful Dead: “Ain’t nobody messin’ with you but you.”
Leo: The biggest difference between a chicken and an eagle isn’t their difference in appearance, flying ability or how they taste fried. No, the biggest difference between the two birds is how they hold their heads. Chickens hold their heads low, usually look down and seldom take flight, whereas eagles hold their heads high, look up and like to soar high. Therefore, be more like an eagle and less like something that should be served with mashed potatoes.
Virgo: Sometimes, Virgos carry black clouds around with them like they’re Pigpen from Peanuts. Therefore, your words of wisdom for this week will come from a from Milton Berle: “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” And from Pigpen: “ I have affixed to me the dirt of countless ages. Who am I to disturb history?”
Libra: Actress Shirley Temple recently passed. And even though she was basically your astrological opposite (she was born on the cusp Aries and Taurus), Shirley would be a good role model for you—and not just because “America’s Little Darling” could charm the pocketbook off anyone. It’s because she once said, “Good luck needs no explanation.”
Scorpio: It looks like the Stars are saying this would be an ideal time to clean your act up and focus on the really important people in your life. If you’re not sure who they are, they’re probably not the folks you hang out with at the bars or mini-marts. No, they’re the people who actually want to stumble through the playground of life with you—the ones who make riding the seesaws so much fun.
Sagittarius: Life may have been a bit of a challenge recently, so you may relate to this quote from Dave Barry, “The typical video game involves controlling a little man who runs around the screen trying to stay alive while numerous powerful and inexplicably hostile forces try to kill him; in other words, it’s exactly like life and whenever I play the little man becomes highly suicidal.” Therefore, please remember that games like life are supposed to be fun, and if they’re not, you’re probably playing it with too many clothes on!
Capricorn: Please choose a new saying or two from the following selections: A) “Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.” J) “Life is too short to go through it waiting to be happy.”-Joel Osteen X) “There’s just something about you that makes me want to write letters to Penthouse.”
Aquarius: The Stars would like to remind you that there’s a reason that opposites exist. It’s to balance things out. Please keep this in mind then next time you get screwed over or wonder why you have enemies. These things are there to help keep your success anchored and give you a reason to release stress by occasionally pummeling the crap out your private collection of voodoo dolls!
