Horrorscopes
Aries: The Stars are reporting the spotlight has just been turned upon you and it’s your time to shine! Your keys will be to find balance, accept compromise and rejoice in how prepared you are for these fortuitous moments. It might help if you brush up on synonyms for “joy,” “success,” “faith” and “Red Hot Piece of Ass.”
Taurus: The Stars are reporting that your work and/or personal life may be a bit stressful this month. To help you survive and thrive please remember that change is a good thing and that finding healthy ways to relieve stress is the key to contentment in life. Good stress relievers include: exercise, talking walks, taking deep breaths and knocking boots. Bad stress relievers include binge drinking, throwing hissy fits and knocking heads.
Gemini: Geminis are very shrewd and crafty people. The type who prefer brains over brawn. This doesn’t, however, mean they’ll kick someone nice and brawny out of bed just for eating crackers. A roast beef sandwich or meatball sub on the other hand, now that might do it. Therefore, your new mantra is: “Make Sandwiches, Not Enemies!”
Cancer: Since Cancerians like to give advice a lot more than they like to take it, here’s some advice for the week: 1) Two wrongs don’t make a right, they make a u-turn. 2)“I forgot” isn’t an answer, it’s an excuse. 3) Love is the only reason to do anything. 68) And from Woody Allen: “Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.”
Leo: Leos like to be in charge, to be leading and inspiring others. But part of being in control is realizing that you really have very little control over anything except your effort and attitude. To help you with both, try listening to more stuff like this from Brandi Carlisle: “You gotta keep your heart young. Don’t go growing old before your time has come.”
Virgo: Clouds was recently asked “How come Virgos can be such a-holes.” So Clouds answered that everyone has attitudes about somethings, Virgos are just a little more anal than the rest of us. And that life is really all about choice. We can choose to be kind, compassionate, hopeful and loving. Or we can choose to care only about ourselves and then get ready to have karma kick the snot out of us later. The choice is always ours.
Libra: It looks like there’s a personal relationship or two in your life that is reaching crisis mode. The god news is that one of two things happen when relationships hit this point. They either end or get stronger. Either way, please think before saying anything like, “Why don’t you slip into something a little more comfortable, like a coma!”
Scorpio: Studies have shown that sleeping has a direct correlation to cognitive abilities. Basically, the more you sleep the smarter you’ll be. Since the Stars are telling you to be well rested and prepared for all kinds of adventures, it’ll be a good time to catch up on sleep. After all, sleeping is free, as are most forms of lovemaking outside of Nevada.
Sagittarius: It looks like April will bring some challenges or unique experiences to your home life. To help you get through it: Don’t jump to any quick conclusions or decisions. And don’t say anything like, “Hi there. I know I’m a human being. But what the hell are you?!”
Capricorn: A long-term relationship of some kind may come to a close during this topsy-turvy Spring. Of course, as one door closes, a new one always opens. To help you keep your karma clean during this time and well prepared for the next door, please promise to only think, but never say anything like the following: “If I were as scary as you, I wouldn’t say ‘Hi’ to folks, I’d say ‘BOO!’”
Aquarius: The Stars are asking you to get your financial life in order this month. So don’t be surprised about any kind of change in employment They’re also telling you to watch what you say as your words could float to others, especially if you say something like, “I’m surprised no one calls him ‘Sticky,’ since he’s such a ‘Sap.’”
Pisces: April is going to be an odd, but fulfilling and hectic month. You’ll be busy socially but still able to work on yourself. Still, they’re will be a bit of an edge to everything so please hit your inner “Pause” button before letting your lips utter anything like: “I know what sign you were born under … Slow Kids at Play!”
