Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Aries: This weekend we celebrate Earth Day. A day set aside each rainy April to honor Mother Earth where we try to stop neglecting and beating the snot out of her so much. To help accomplish this feat, add some Earth, Wind and Fire to your soundtrack: “You’re a shining star, no matter who you are. Shining bright for all to see, what your life can truly be.”

Taurus: In Greek mythology there are creatures called Kallikantzarois who rule the cold time of the year. Since winter never really never leaves Mono County and since Greece is associated with Taurus, you’re assignment is to battle these beasts. They’re half-human, half-animal, red-eyed hairy little devils that break into homes and eat all the food and drink all the booze. Basically, they’re young snowboarders whose pants aren’t as baggy. They don’t like heat, though; so, the best protection against them is to spend more time in Inyo County.

Gemini: Your new role model is fellow Gemini, golfer Phil Mickelson. Immediately after winning last week’s Masters, “Lefty” didn’t start rubbing it in, or celebrating, instead he found the second place finisher and gave the guy a pep talk — told him his day to win a green jacket would come. Now that’s what we call keeping the “ass” in classy.

Cancer: Motivational Speaker/Preacher Joel “the Big O” Osteen says you can classify just about any problem in life into one of three categories: 5-minute problems, 5-hour problems or 5-year problems. The real problem for most of us, Osteen says, is that we let 5-minute problems become 5-hour problems and so on. Therefore, stop mistaking molehills for mountains and kismet for a swift kick in the patootie!

Leo: To help save money, almost a million people nationwide canceled their satellite or cable TV. Clouds considers this great news as it means more people are bound to read free, silly things, such as Horrorscopes, instead of watching foolish ones such as Sarah Palin’s new reality show. After all, it’s better to read something goofy (i.e. the following Palin quote) than to actually listen to it: “There is hope and opportunity in our neighboring country of Afghanistan.”

Virgo: It looks as though the Stars just pointed things towards the positive on your financial front. To make the most of this, make a short list of ways you can save money. To help, your new motto is: “Make love, not debt.” And your lucky line: “If you were a car, I’d wax you everyday!”

Libra: The Stars report that April will continue to be a hectic month. But if you ask Clouds, it’s really being caused by all this near-record setting snow coupled with how sexy you Libras are, especially when you’ve been cooped all winter. Therefore, your mission for the week is to avoid all aphrodisiacs, such as oysters, alcohol or Clouds’ breath, as they may cause you to spontaneously combust in your trousers.

Scorpio: Good news, Scorpios, your work life has just taken a turn towards success. To help make the most of this, please spend some time every day actively daydreaming about such success. And yes, it’s okay if you mingle in a tad a of daydreaming about sex-cess, too.

Sagittarius: Be advised that your appeal to others has just been turned up a notch from “Lukewarm” to “Scorching your undershorts.” Be prepared to hear lots of stuff like, “You must be from Tennessee, because you’re the only “ten-I-see.”

Capricorn: The Stars are telling you to be lazy for the rest of the month. Therefore, be sure to stock up on ice cream, juicy novels and don’t let anyone shame you about wearing a Snuggie or a Hoodie-Footie; unless you’re wearing them to the bar or market.

Aquarius: Your lucky color is sky blue. Your lucky song is “Blue Sky” by the Allman Brothers. Your lucky number is seven. Your lucky word is: “Fan-tabulous!” Your “get lucky” line is: “You’re my blue sky, you’re my sunny day. Lord, you know it makes me high when you turn your love my way.”

Pisces: Your life may start to seem like a late-night rerun of “Night of the Living Dead,” as the Stars say relationship issues in your life will start rising up like farts in a bathtub. Your key will be to view these issues as blessings, as lessons you’re getting a chance to complete; only this time don’t blame those farts on the person sitting next to you.