Horrorscopes
Gemini: Since your most recent birthday has fallen while we’re in the midst of a great time of change, be sure to embrace any change that comes your way. And don’t just give it a half-hearted hug it like it’s one of the nut-jobs from “Dumb & Dumber.” No, hug it the way Horton squeezed the flower holding Whoville. To help, here’s a recent Jim Carrey quote: “You can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.”
Cancer: Ann B. Davis, better known as “Alice” from “The Brady Bunch” passed away recently. Since Cancerians are also good at keeping their house and families together, and have good senses of humor, your words of wisdom will come from the famous housekeeper. 1) “For most people, I’m just ‘Alice.’ But I don’t mind. Now, if I were ‘Alice the ax murderer,’ then I’d hate it.” 2) “All of us wish we had an Alice. I wish I had an Alice.”
Leo: In case you had a rough day or two last week, Clouds would like to remind you there are plenty of reasons to keep your head up. 1) It’s better for your posture. 2) You have beautiful eyes. 3) Peter Gabriel sang, “Don’t Give Up!” and you can’t ignore Peter “F-ing” Gabriel for crying out loud!
Virgo: Since Virgos tend to not only move to the beat of their own drummer, but rather appear to move to the beat of their own marching band, the key for Virgos isn’t just accepting their own weirdness, but the inherent wackiness of others, too. Therefore, your new saying is: “I’m not a nut-job, I’m just a limited edition.”
Libra: Ways to spot a famously sly-but-feisty Libra. Uses: strategy over force. Acts: reserved. Wears: stylish yet practical clothes. Is represented by the only astrological symbol that’s not an animal or a human. Says surprisingly bold things like: “Do you work for Fed Ex? Because I could have sworn you were checking out my package.”
Scorpio: Here is your power word for the week: Snuggle. Your need-to-vent word: Snodgrass! Your lucky garment: Any type of underwear except Granny/Grampa-panties. And since you’re a water sign, here’s your cheesy pick-up line for the week: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hali-but. Hali-but who? Hali-but we get down to a little fishy business?”
Sagittarius: Lots of good energy has been infused into your personal life, which is a lot better than having lots of warm water infused into your rectal area. Regardless of your relationship status, it’s sure to be getting healthier. Therefore, don’t be surprised to hear something like this: “I’d love to do lunges with you.”
Capricorn: With a period of great and ultimately positive change finally upon us, don’t be surprised to receive or send something like the following Some ecards 1) “I’m making some changes in my life, so if you don’t hear from me, you’re one of them.” B) “An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”
Aquarius: The Stars are reporting the next couple of weeks will focus on home and old friendships for you. To make the most out of this, please follow these two pieces of advice. From a bartender in Philly named Mark: “Never go back into an old relationship. You broke up for a reason and that reason’s still there.” And from Pinterest: “My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one!”
Pisces: Studies have shown that couples that don’t fight are more likely to divorce. You see, it turns out the real key to a happy relationship is how the couple connects intimately. Be it fighting or fornicating, traveling or making dinner together, sharing deep dark secrets, deeply held dreams or kinky hanky-panky fantasies about high heels or pizza delivery people, it’s all about sharing, connecting and finding a solid “safe” word.
Aries: Just in case you forgot, Clouds would like to remind you of the following truths: 1) Life is all about mindset. 2) The answers are being whispered, we just don’t listen well. 3) If at first you don’t succeed, you can call it Version 1.0.
Taurus: This should be a great week for Bulls like yourself. Old relationships will go smoothly, your social life will be a-buzz and you might meet someone who’ll change your life for the better. Just don’t let a cranky boss spoil your trip. Instead of saying, “screw off,” try going with the flow. As legendary basketball coach John Wooden said, “You can’t let praise or criticism get to you. It’s a weakness to get caught up in either one.”
