Horrorscopes
Leo: It looks like the Universe is ready to give you whatever you most need to live a whole and happy life. All you’ve got to do is ask, believe, keep on keeping on and it’ll fall into place for you like the pins on a perfectly rolled seven-ten split. So remember that while rolling a strike may be more thrilling, saving a spare is sexier and takes more skill!
Virgo: Since change is chasing after you like it’s a bunch of kids and you’re driving an Ice Cream Truck, Clouds would like to remind you of these Lyle Lovett ditties: 1) “I love everybody, especially you. So if you feel lonesome, remember it’s true. I love everybody especially you.” 2) “You can have my girl but don’t touch my hat.”
Libra: Since people sometimes complain that Libras aren’t great listeners, your assignment is to try this brain exercise: When you wake up in the morning, pick a word like “environment,” “economy,” “partial-nudity,” “Fox-News” or “eggplant.” Each time you hear someone utter it, try to recall the words that preceded it. Substituting f-bombs for words you can’t remember only counts as partial credit.
Scorpio: This week’s advice comes from famous adventurer and the founder of Patagonia, Yvon Chouinard: 5.0)”When everything has gone wrong, that’s when the adventure begins.” 5.8) “How you climb a mountain is more important than reaching the top.” 5.15) “Evil doesn’t have to be an overt act; it can be merely the absence of good. If you have the ability, the resources and the opportunity to do good and you do nothing, that can be evil.”
Sagittarius: Since things may get out-of-sorts with a friend, lover or possibly a pet, the key will be to control your cool. If you get so cool you start to turn blue you should either put more clothes on, get some exercise and a snuggle partner, or cut down on the Coors Light.
Capricorn: Since stress on the social front is running high, you may need an inner saying to keep your cool. Here are some suggestions: 1)“It’s not that I’m insensitive, it’s just that I don’t give a crap.” Dos) “Time to pull a ‘Dawn:’ Tell’em you’re going to the bathroom and sneak away.”
Aquarius: Aquarians are known for giving advice—some of it’s great, some of it’s as useful as a Magic 8 Ball. Aquarians are also known for never listening to advice. Therefore, your mission for the rest of the summer is to work on listening to what those you respect and admire tell you. But feel free to ignore any advice the rest of the buttnuggets in your life give you.
Pisces: Please select your own advice for the week from the following selection of Mark Twain quotes: 1) “Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today.” 2) “Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.” 3) “The finest clothing made is a person’s own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.”
Aries: One of the certainties of life is that every once in awhile it’s going to rough you up a bit. You know, challenge you, push you, basically kick you in the butt and then expect you to pay the bill for the lesson. To help you pay, be sure to commit lots of random acts of kindness and, if necessary, slather your sore backside with Tiger Balm.
Taurus: Some say a fool and his money are soon parted. Others argue that a fool and his money are soon partying. Since the people of this sign tend to be good with money and therefore have lots of it, maybe what you really need in life is a good reason to party. Here’s one: Just for the hell of it!
Gemini: Dear beloved Geminis, please pick your own damn advice for the week. Here are your choices: A) When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you should do is stop digging. B) When people are talking behind your back, just fart. C) Never miss a good opportunity to shut up. F) Everything in moderation, except for bacon and lovemaking, of course.
Cancer: With the end of summer fast approaching, the Stars are reminding you to take some time to get outside and get in touch with nature. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should go au natural—unless, that is, you want extra credit! Regardless of which outdoor activity you choose, if it involves exposing your skin, take good care of it. Lather up with bug spray and suntan lotion as needed, and only let people with good karma rub any on you.
