Page 2: In the gutter

The 2014-2015 Mono County Grand Jury is comprised of the following persons:  Jon Boyer is the foreperson. Karen Johnston is the assistant foreperson. The remaining members are Sharon Clark, Karen Smart, Don Zeleny, Ken Murray, Robert Deforest, Deb Pierrel and Cleland Hoff.

Below is an imagining of an introductory meeting. There are no characters based on Mr. Zeleny or Mr. DeForest since I’m unfamiliar with either.

Karen Johnston: As we all know, Mammoth is a den of iniquity …

Deb Pierrel: Where? What’s the address?

Johnston: … and the reason I called this top-secret meeting of the 2014-2015 Mono County Grand Jury is so we can bond together as a team before we go forth to do battle with the sinister forces of evil.

Jon Boyer: A team! Of crime-fighting superheroes. Just like the X-Men!

Karen Smart: Like Batman and Robin!

Cleland: Like Cheech and Chong!

Ken Murray: Like Rick Wood and John Eastman!

Sharon Clark: If this meeting is so top-secret, why are we holding it at the Mammoth Rock ‘n Bowl?

Murray: Wait a second. This isn’t Suite Z? (He checks his GPS). I must’ve overshot it. Umm … what am I doing here?

Johnston: You were invited to serve on the Mono County Grand Jury.

Murray: That’s nice, but I really had my heart set on spending the next four years in the gutter, on Town Council, voting on stuff.

Pierrel: Ken, you didn’t win the election. Even I had more votes than you. Besides, there are gutters right here.

Murray: Shoot. I didn’t win? I was really looking forward to getting my own name tag and joining CalPers.

Hoff: But doesn’t the Rock ‘n Bowl make you feel right at home? The lanes have no landscaping. Just like Old Mammoth Road.

Murray: Sure looks like landscaping on lane 2.

Cleland: Oh. That’s not landscaping. That’s Rob Mitchell.

Smart: Why is he sleeping in the gutter on lane 2?

Boyer: He got locked out of Tallus. He’s crashing here ‘til he gets back on his feet. The virtual golf courses upstairs make him feel at home.

Johnston: Okay folks, time to get back to business. If we’re going to clean the gutters, we need to know what they look like.

Suddenly, Rick Wood bursts into the Rock ‘n Bowl.

Wood: I knew it. You’re all conspiring against me. Just like the last Grand Jury. She (pointing at Johnston) never liked me. She (pointing at Clark) never liked me either. He (pointing at Boyer) never liked me. She …

Hoff: I’m sensing a trend here.

Wood: And you complain about those closed sessions we used to have on Town Council. Well, how about this little clandestine meeting you’re having! This … this is a cabal!

Hoff: Stop. You’re going to make me throw up in my mouth again.

Johnston: The reason I invited you all to the Grand Strike Out today is so we can familiarize ourselves with some of the topics we expect to tackle in the coming year. Topic #1. Why is the Sierra Center Mall so empty? Is it haunted? Who dares to walk inside and find out?

From behind a table, Joe Parrino pops up.

Parrino: Sounds dangerous. I’m dangerous. I volunteer.

Boyer: Joe, you’re not on the Grand Jury.

Parrino: What? I thought the Grand Jury was a consolation prize for every Town Council candidate who didn’t win?

Pierrel: You were never officially a candidate. You weren’t on the ballot.

Parrino: Maybe not. But I was in the hearts of the people.

Johnston: Topic #2. How come it’s called Black Tie Ski Rental if no one who works there has ever been seen wearing a black tie?

Smart: Hmm. Pretty interesting.

Clark: You can take a person away from the MLPD, but you can’t take the MLPD out of that person. Karen’s still a bloodhound!

Johnston: Topic #3. How come only two of the five current Councilmembers have a cellphone number beginning in 760?

Wood: Because they’re unpatriotic carpetbaggers! 2016!

Hoff: Umm, you’re not really from here either. Doesn’t that make you …

Pierrel: No one’s from here. Except Bill Sauser, I think.

Johnston: Topic #4. Why does Rusty Gregory now wear shirts that are colors other than black?

Parrino: Simple. It’s code. Blue shirt day … he’s negotiating with Vail. Green shirt day … KSL. Gray shirt day … he’s just talking to that little voice inside his own head.

John Urdi rides into the Rock ‘n Bowl on his Harley. Behind him trails staffer Lara Kaylor on a moped. They drive up to the Grand Jurors. Urdi takes off his shoes in respect for the new lanes, grabs a bowling ball and hurls it. Even though the ball is off-center, all the pins go down. Strike!

Parrino: How did you do that?

Urdi: TBID money. We pay off the guys back there to make extra pins go down for the tourists. It’s increased business 17% this month

Kaylor: And I would note business at the Rock ‘n Bowl is up 5 billion percent over last year.

Pierrel: It wasn’t open this time last year.

Urdi: 5 billion percent

At this moment, there is a stirring on lane 2. Mitchell sees the gathered throng and waves.

Johnston: Hey Rob. What are you up to?

Mitchell: I think I’m going to go upstairs and replay the 10th hole at Sierra Star over and over again until I can find the glitch in the Matrix … psst. Any of you need a Black Pass? They’re good at Big Bear!

Pierrel: I want to tell you why I decided to volunteer for the Grand Jury. It’s not because I’m intimately familiar with the legal system and can provide expertise. Rather, I know what it’s like to be unjustly tried in the kangaroo court of public opinion as manifested by these stupid Mammoth Mansion pieces that appear in The Sheet. Lunch only writes these things because he’s too lazy to do any real work.

Karen Sibert walks in. Boy is she upset!

Sibert: How come I’m not on the Grand Jury?  I want to investigate those double-crossing Council members who want to rent homes … for money! They don’t want to turn this town into a hotel – they want to turn it into a brothel!

Parrino: Is that legal? Do I need a business license?

Johnston: As I said, den of iniquity.

Rick Wood is seen charging upstairs after Mitchell.

Mitchell: I don’t need a caddy.

Wood: I thought you might need a lawyer.

And now, some marketing news from Salt Lake City, courtesy of former Sheet scribe Colin Wolf. 

Ski City USA 

If we’ve learned anything from Seinfeld, it’s that you don’t give yourself a nickname. It never turns out well. In the episode “The Maid,” George Costanza tries to have his co-workers call him “T-Bone,” but instead he ends up with the moniker “Coco The Monkey.”

The point is, don’t give yourself a nickname, unless you can take a whipping.

A couple weeks ago, Visit Salt Lake (essentially the City’s Chamber of Commerce) decided to re-brand Salt Lake City as, “Ski City USA,” a name that makes it sound like everyone here is hawking used Columbia jackets at a swap meet.

Nonetheless, I have made a solemn promise to make fun of this shitty name until the day I die and they ultimately bury me in a cemetery located somewhere in … God no … Ski City USA.

This $1.8 million campaign (yes, $1.8 million) was the brainchild of not only the city’s chamber of commerce, but the three resorts that are closest to … damnit … Ski City USA, – -Solitude, Brighton, Alta and Snowbird — which by the way, aren’t even in SLC. In fact, there is no skiing within the city limits. You have to drive at least an hour to each resort.

But, let’s ignore the fact the name is nonsensical and evokes images of shopping at a Play It Again sports and focus on how it is, exactly, they’re gonna sell this thing to the public. More than likely, in a the following months, you’ll come across a print ad for “Ski City USA.” Don’t be fooled. That skyline they show in the ad isn’t Salt Lake, it’s some bastardized version of the skyline with made-up skyscrapers and fireworks. Based on this ad, when you fly into SLC for your next ski vacation, it won’t be the city they show in the ad. It’ll be a city with no skiing, half strength beer and a ton of Mormons.

For more, read Wolf’s story: http://www.cityweekly.net/TheDailyFeed/archives/2014/09/17/salt-lake-city-has-a-new-nickname-and-it-sucksit-sucks-sooo-bad

Wolf lived in Mammoth Lakes from 2007-2011. He has since moved to Salt Lake City and has won multiple awards for print and online content from the Society of Professional Journalism. He currently writes for Salt Lake City Weekly. Follow him on Twitter: @WolfColin

California bans plastic bags

On Sept. 30, California Governor Jerry Brown signed a bill that will ban single-use plastic bags in larger stores in July 2015, expanding to smaller businesses by 2016. The law (SB 270) prohibits stores from distributing single-use bags and will require them to charge 10 cents for paper, compostable and reusable plastic bags. The ban will apply to food retailers, such as grocery stores, convenience stores and liquor stores, but will not affect other retail shops, such as clothing stores.  And grocery stores will still be able to provide small plastic bags for produce and meat.

“This bill is a step in the right direction – it reduces the torrent of plastic polluting our beaches, parks and even the vast ocean itself,” Brown wrote in a signing message, reported The Sacramento Bee. “We’re the first to ban these bags, and we won’t be the last.”

A local Mammoth citizens group began advocating for a Town plastic bag ban in March, bringing a large petition in front of Town Council. Their petition was on the agenda for a September 3 Town Council meeting, but was held after California State Legislature passed SB 270. Now that Governor Brown has signed the bill, it seems Mammoth Town Council will not need to revisit the issue. However, the original Mammoth petition included the use of plastic bags at all retail stores, not only food retailers.

-Evans