Horrorscopes
Libra: The next year of life promises to be an especially full one for Libras. Since you’re due for plenty of highs, lows and everything in between, please remember to be forgiving to yourself and others, even others who park like morons at the post office, and to always keep karma in mind, as she has jealousy issues.
Scorpio: In honor of the upcoming World Series, enjoy the wisdom of baseball: From Bob Feller: “Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday’s success or put its failures behind and start over again. That’s the way life is, with a new game every day.” From Yogi Berra: “Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too.” From the immortal Luis Polonia “The Yankees are only interested in one thing, and I have no idea what that is.”
Sagittarius: Since Sagittarians are known for being optimists at their core, and because the world can always use more optimism, please pass along some positive sayings like the following: A)“Measure twice, cut once, curse as needed.” B) “It’s really not that tough to not be an a-hole.” F)”When people are talking behind your back, start farting.”
Capricorn: Swedish people are said to be the happiest on earth. That’s because they have their priorities straight (they take July off, pay kids to go to high school, give dads maternity leave) and don’t take themselves too seriously (see: ABBA, Swedish fish, IKEA, etc). Therefore, add some of Sweden’s Avicii to your playlist: “So wake me up when it’s all over. When I’m wiser and I’m older. All this time I was finding myself and I didn’t know I was lost.”
Aquarius: Some people consider life to be a lot like a big fortune cookie. It may have the consistency of wet cardboard, but at least it’s sweet and is full of confusing advice. Therefore, pick your own fortune cookie saying: “Never give up, unless defeat turns on that hottie at the coffee shop.” “Every exit is an entrance to a new experience.” “You will be hungry again in an hour.”
Pisces: Since Pisces is a water sign, all your advice this week will involve H2O. From Bruce Lee: “Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way around or through it.” From Chris Rock: “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.”
Aries: Most Aries would make good soldiers because they are good at staying on task, are very social, can be a bit anal, never get knocked down for long and enjoy traveling to odd places. Therefore, give yourself a cool new military nickname, but not one like “General Confusion,” “Colonel Sanders,” or “Rear Admiral McLovin.”
Taurus: To help you embrace the changes of autumn, try listening to more words from musician and fellow Taurus, Michael Franti: 1)“Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just to stay human.” B) “Be your best for the greater good, and rock out wherever you are.” C) “Power to peaceful.”
Gemini: There are those who believe that all setbacks are temporary and they help pave the way for better things to come; that setbacks are set ups. There are those who believe that life sucks, the IRS sucks you dry and then you die. Your mission for the week is to spend more time around the former, and to avoid the latter like they just infoemed you they’ve got really bad gas.
Cancer: The Stars wanted to remind you that we’re still in a period of easy misunderstandings, especially amongst those you live or work most closely with. Therefore, please refrain from saying any of the following for the next few weeks. 1)“You’re about as relevant as a pay phone.” III)“Sometimes you seem like a Richard. Whereas other times, you’re definitely a Dick.”
Leo: Just in case you’ve forgotten that life is all about attitude, or that’s it’s October—the month when baseball dreams come true—your words of wisdom come from the great novel “The Natural” by Bernard Malamud: “If you think you are winners, you will be. If you don’t, you won’t. That’s psychology. That’s the way the world works.”
Virgo: With astrological and spiritual worlds in the midst of some challenging but ultimately positive change, you’ll find it highly beneficial to sing aloud often. Good times to do so are while driving, bathing or canoodling. Fellow Virgo, Pink, has some good ones: “When you’re out there doing what you’re doing, are you just getting by? … Just because it burns doesn’t mean you’re gonna die. You’ve got to get up and try and try and try!”
