Horrorscopes
Sagittarius: It looks like the next few years of your life will be full of rewards for past deeds and efforts. To help prepare for your well-earned success, try sharing it with others, even those who doubted you. After all, and as most Sags will tell you, what’s the point of success if you can’t at least rub a little bit of it in your detractors’ faces—as a form of therapeutic forgiveness, of course.
Capricorn: This week we will be celebrating “National Chocolate Covered Anything Day,” which should, natrually, be a weeklong affair, or should at least be celebrated seasonally. Nonetheless, never forget that happiness is a state of mind, the kind of state you find yourself in when dealing with anything covered in your favorite flavor of chocolate.
Aquarius: Your new assignment is to write more kind letters, e-mails, social media posts or Christmas cards. For the record, cards in honor of everything celebrated in December count, including Hanukkah, Kwanza, National Flashlight Day, Festivus, National Brownie Day, or Humbug Day. Sticky notes, however, don’t count—unless you deliver the sticky notes in person and they’re all you’re wearing.
Pisces: Your new good lucky term is “sexual chocolate” (see: Capricorn). And your new good luck statement should be selected from “Coming to America.” 1) “No journey is too great when one finds what he seeks.” 2) “You have disgraced yourself and you must be punished. Confine yourself to our royal suite at the Waldorf-Astoria!” #) “So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea.”
Aries: To help keep you positive and hopeful, here are this week’s signs that the Universe is changing for the better. A) Gas prices are the lowest they’ve been in four years. I) In India, Dunkin Donuts best sellers are healthy and meatless burgers. S) You’re reading The Sheet and are obviously blessed with great luck and sexual prowess. Z) “Two and Half Men” starring Ashton “I ain’t no Charlie Sheen” Kutcher is finally being canceled!
Taurus: Since the stars are reporting that you should be feeling exceptionally empowered emotionally—and romantically—this month, it’s best that your advice comes from fellow Taurus, Salvador Dali: I) “Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” III) “If you think all the time, ‘I’m a genius’ you’ll eventually become a genius.” X) “Intelligence without ambition is a bird without wings.”
Gemini: In case you’ve been undergoing any relationship strains recently, try to keep things cool, because great days are right around the corner. To keep help, please remember this line from the late, great Leslie Nielsen, “Jane, since I’ve met you, I’ve noticed things that I never knew were there before … birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.”
Cancer: The Stars are reporting lots of action on the love front for many signs this month. To help you stay as cool and self-confident as a soul singer, sing and groove along to some John Legend, “Holla, holla, holla! Maybe it’s me, maybe I bore you. I know, no, it’s my fault. Cause I can’t afford you. But maybe, baby, Puffy, Jay-Z, would all be better for you. Cause all I can do is love you.”
Leo: The Stars are saying that over the next couple of weeks you should begin to have some clarity about how to make your passions pay off. To help the process, try giving out good vibes and karma like they’re candy canes and you’re surrounded by elementary school kids and elves.
Virgo: With the holiday season now raging like a severe case of hemorrhoids, you may occasionally feel stressed out. Here are three things you can do to relieve stress. A) Find something to laugh at, preferably not a co-worker. II) Don’t describe yourself as being “stressed out,” but rather as “rode hard and put away wet.” 3) Find someone to practice deep breathing and/or panting with.
Libra: The Stars are directing you to have more fun this month, especially if there are any children in your life. To help get you get started, try thinking more like a kindergartener. You know, eat more ice cream, dress for comfort and adventure, color outside the lines and feel free to pick your nose in public.
Scorpio: Like most of us, it’s easy for Clouds to be a fan of the folks from this sign. You are bright, creative, fun to socialize with and pig-headed enough to keep things interesting. Therefore, in between socializing this month, be sure to spend a little quiet time visualizing success. In case you were wondering, success smells a lot like bacon.
