Horrorscopes
Aquarius: On the 19th, we’ll enter the Chinese year of the Sheep, which will be marked by peace and healing. Therefore, your birthday gift to yourself should be to come to peace with everything in your life. If this means you’ve got to write a few cathartic, curse-covered emails, so be it. Just sleep on them before hitting send.
Pisces: Now that we’re entering the Year of the Sheep, you should start to notice people becoming more positive and relaxed. If this doesn’t describe you, perhaps a weekend trip to Denver, Seattle or “Oaksterdam” would help. Just try to be a little healthier with the munchy snacks, since potato chips are not considered vegetables.
Aries: The Year of the Sheep is about mind over matter. And while it’s true that if you don’t mind, it won’t matter, it also helps to remember that what’s in your mind is all that really matters. So your new assignment is to keep your thoughts so ridiculously positive and hopeful that people will start to think you’re on something that must be really good.
Taurus: While some call 2015 the Year of the Sheep, others say it’s really the Year of the Ram. Since you are one, that’s what you should call it. That’s right, it’s your year, so bask in its glory and be beneficent with your power. To help, you are never allowed to call out from your throne anything like “Off with his/her head!” You are, however, encouraged to call out “Off with your pants/shirt/pajamas/etc.!”
Gemini: The Year of the Sheep promises to be the best one most people have seen in close to a decade. Therefore, be sure to always err on the side of kindness and compassion. For the record, calling someone a “fat, dumb, ugly and/or useless ass” would not qualify as either.
Cancer: Some folks are calling the next year in the Chinese calendar the Year of the Sheep, some the Ram, some the Goat. Since it’s never a good idea to pick an argument with a Cancerian, Clouds thinks you should call it whatever the heck feels best to you. Since this is a great year for finding personal growth and happiness, you might want to go with the goat since being stubborn about what you want can be your most becoming trait.
Leo: When you get right down to it, the Year of the Sheep is really all about faith. People who are hopeful and happy will have little trouble finding success and joy this year. Basically, if Leos will just be themselves—positive, helpful, strong, inspired, determined, frisky, well-groomed, regular nappers—everything will be fantabulous. If you’re looking for better news than this then it’s obviously time to remove your head from your hindquarters.
Virgo: This is what you should expect from the Chinese Year of the Sheep: More smiling, less whining. More love, less arguing. Lots of Velcro glove jokes. Opportunities to heal, re-connect or cut loose. Reasons to watch stuff like “Glee” and “Footloose” so you can keep your dancing moves fresh. A lot less of the worst, and much more of the best, and if you’re really positive, some kind of big chest—with or without hair, depending on your preference.
Libra: Since we’re at the cusp of the Year of the Sheep/Goat/Ram and since you have traits of all three animals, your advice for no particular reason will come from Clouda, Yoda’s little known and much hornlier sibling: 1) “Believe always, you must, that set ups begin as setbacks. 2) “Feel this force!” 3)“ The path to the Dark Side, paved it is with fear of loss, and reported ‘in person’ it has been, by Brian Williams.
Scorpio: The good news about this next year is that it will offer Scorpios opportunities to do what they best: heal and help others. At their best, Scorpios use their skills and insights to help other people become more whole, healed or successful. For when that happens, Scorpios find all the same wonderful things happen in their own lives. Which, of course, means that Scorpios can then do what they do second best: Party like its 1999!
Sagittarius: The Chinese Year of the Sheep promises to be a very good one, especially for people inclined to being positive. Since positivity is part of most Sag’s DNA, this is in your wheelhouse. Just remember that your life can’t be f-ing awesome unless you put some f-ing in it.
Capricorn: To help you do the most important thing in this Year of the Sheep, which is to stay positive and hopeful, your assignment is to laugh multiple times every day. These lines from Dr. Leo Spaceman may help: “Sounds like you could use a little R & R: rum and Ritalin.” “Mrs. Jordan I’ve already administered the epidural. Would you like one as well?”
