Horrorscopes
Taurus: This next blessed year promises new outlooks and attitudes, and a new theme song provided by Patti Labelle: “I’m feeling good from my head to my shoes. Know where I am going and I know what to do … I’ve got a new attitude.” Your new motto is “Sometimes it’s better to stroll than to run.” Your new mantra: “I accept full responsibility for my life, except for the parts I blame on other people!”
Gemini: The Stars are getting set to tinker with your work life. If you’re in need of a change, raise or promotion, please be advised that experts say old terms like “Excellent Team Player,” “Bottom-line Oriented” and “Very Professional” are out. So try these new ones, “Can Party like a Rock Star.” “Handles Numbers like a Bookie.” “Special skills include: ass-kicking, name-taking and expert back-rubber.”
Cancer: The Stars report these following keys to success currently apply: A) Work hard for the love of it, not for the outcome. B) Be present, not omnipresent. C) See by not looking, find by not searching. I) Enjoy every friggin’ moment of it all while wearing as little as possible!
Leo: If life were a video game called “The Demons of Doubt and Fear” there’s no doubt that Leos would be cast as the Demon-Slayers; characters that, naturally, don little more than ripped shreds, cool swords and flirtatious smiles. Therefore, please stop forgetting the way the butt-whipping food chain works and start working on your roars and cooing sounds.
Virgo: Good news! Virgos should start feeling exceptionally positive and hopeful. To help, here are some things to be happy about: Fresh air is still free. There are no accidents, only lawsuits. A day without sunshine is just like night. The only reason you don’t have everything is because you don’t have anywhere to put it all.
Libra: Little frustrations may be getting the better of you—and everybody else. To remind you that most setbacks are really set ups for something better, please listen to more country music. Bands like Sugarland should be helpful: “Yeah, the irrefutable, indisputable, absolute-able, totally beautiful fact is, Shhh—It happens!”
Scorpio: It sounds like the Stars are whispering things to you like “cultivate relaxed alertness,” “practice casual perfectionism,” or “puff, puff, pass.” This is nothing to worry about. They’d like you to start whispering these things to yourself, too. If this seems odd, don’t worry, Jesus, Joan of Arc and Jerry Garcia heard voices and occasional drum solos, too.
Sagittarius: You’re in the midst of a fun, yet challenging period when you’ll be trying to walk a slack line between your work and personal lives. So don’t be surprised if it feels like you’re helping an elephant learn to play beach volleyball. Therefore, rest when you need it, don’t get mistaken for a doormat, and reward yourself with some short getaways and/or a trip to the chiropractor.
Capricorn: The Stars are asking you to work on compromise right now. You know, open your mind to other people’s points of view. To help you do this, or at least help get you into some compromising positions, remember that no one is perfect and try this line out: “My socks are having a party. Would your pants like to join ‘em?”
Aquarius: Clouds doesn’t claim to know much about life except for these three things: I) Holding a grudge doesn’t get you anywhere. II) Both getting and giving love makes you happier. Tres) Laughter is the best medicine, especially when the bars are closed.
Pisces: Patience is paramount right now. Therefore give thanks for all you have in life and remember love is free and so is lovemaking, especially when you use lines like this one: “It looks like you’re having trouble reading my body language. Why don’t you try using Braille?”
Aries: There’s so much going on for you right now, ass-trologically speaking, Clouds doesn’t know where to start. Therefore, please use the following advice at your own discretion: Always look before you leap; Sometimes love means having to say, “Yes, you were right and I’m an a-hole;” Karma affects income; The only time a woman wishes she were older is when she’s pregnant.
