Horrorscopes
Taurus: This next year is looking very promising for you pragmatic but exceptionally loving and loyal people of this sign. So it’s important that your birthday gift to yourself is a promise to stay positive and open. To help you accomplish this, be sure to add some Albert Einstein to your vernacular: “Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools.”
Gemini: To help keep that spring in your step, please add a little more R and B to your life. Here are few lines from Usher to get your feet tapping: “You’re like the lyrics to my favorite song. You stick with me all day long.” “So dance, dance, like it’s the last, last night, of your life, life. Gonna get you right!”
Cancer: The only thing that really holds Cancerians back are their bouts with self-confidence or lack thereof. To help, please remember that you deserve to have someone who’d say something like this, paraphrased from Daily Odd Compliments “If ninjas captured you I’d spend all my free time learning to become a Ninja—which would probably take a bit of time—but I’d eventually get good enough to come save you!”
Leo: It’s true that all good things come to an end, but that’s only because all good things aren’t selfish and know that they’re only allowed so much time in the spotlight before it’s time to move on and make room for some new good things. This is yet another reason why it’s a good idea to always wear clean underwear, because you never know when your next good thing is going to buy you a drink at the bar.
Virgo: There are people out there who say that the key to a happy, healthy relationship is to regularly hold hands. People who give and follow such advice are what we call “enlightened” and “well-laid.” Your assignment for the week is to be more affectionate. As with all Clouds advice, pants are optional.
Libra: Since spring is here and love is in the air, here are few lines to ignite your love life. 1) “No baby, I’m not stoned. I’m just high on you.” 2) “You must be an interior decorator, because every time you enter a room it gets better looking.” 3) “I could never just Puff, Puff, Pass you, but I could eat you up like a bag of Doritos!”
Scorpio: One of the things that holds Scorpios back in life is their need to always be right. That’s because none of us are perfect, and to try to be perfect means we have to belittle others. Therefore, your assignment is to replace any put-downs with put-ups. You know, don’t say: “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.” Instead say: “Being normal is overrated. I’d much rather be a nut job like you.”
Sagittarius: Since what you’ve been waiting, dreaming and begging for is now arriving, it’s time you pull your head out of your butt and put a big, hopeful smile on it and point it towards what you really want. To help, pop a breath mint and memorize this line from the late Sai Baba: “All action results from thought, so it is thoughts that matter.”
Capricorn: Studies have shown that what you like to lick explains a lot about you. For example, vanilla ice cream fans are impulsive goal setters who enjoy family. Chocolate fans are creative, dramatic folks who bore easily. Chocolate chippers are generous, competitive and ambitious. Strawberry fans are shy yet strong, opinionated but self-critical. Ben and Jerry’s Hazed and Confused fans tend to enjoy group hugs and gravity bongs.
Aquarius: Of the numerous faiths in the world, there’s one known as Wicca. Its basic beliefs are that women are equal to men; that it’s important to take car of the planet; and that sexuality is a gift from the Gods. Since there should now be at least one thing about this faith that you agree with, your mind just opened a crack. You may now consider yourself more spiritually enlightened and should celebrate by enjoying that gift!
Pisces: Friendships are being highlighted in your HorrorScope right now. So you’re bound to make new ones, evolve past outgrown ones and turn special ones into something more. Just what that more will be depends on you, and probably how much you’ve had to drink that night. Remember to hydrate.
Aries: There are those who say that laughter is the best medicine. It’s just too bad that none of these people work in the medical industry or the Food and Drug Administration. Therefore, your new mission is to remember that it’s healthy to laugh at yourself, but laughing at others should be limited to nothing that will earn you bad karma or a black eye.
