Sonny wide left, Cher wide right
I don’t care what the Vegas line is on points scored in the Steelers-Patriots game, put your money on the over. There isn’t a line big enough to cover what Brady is going to do to that Steelers defense. The Steelers started talking smack this week about how they “know how to stop Gronkowski.” Really, because the last time the Steelers played the Pats Gronk had 100 yards receiving by the middle of the second quarter and proceeded to torch ‘em for three TDs.
Everyone is a champion this week. EVERYONE is undefeated. For at least a half. And then you realize your team is startiung Brian Hoyer, Marcus Mariota, Ryan Fitzpatrick or Josh McCown and reality sets in. It’s Groundhog Day and you may as well have Sonny and Cher as WRs, ‘cause they’re never going to touch the ball. To top it off, you go home and see that Arian Foster is hurt, Jonathan Stewart is hurt, Julio Jones is hurt and your fantasy team is just as miserable as your real team is.
This week’s select picks
Colts 23, Bills 10. The start of the Rex Ryan era in Buffalo. The only reason I say the Bills score 10 points is because I have LeSean McCoy in one of my fantasy leagues.
Packers 50, Cutlers 20. The Bears have Cutler at QB (again) so that is good for at least one team dysfunction report per half.
Chiefs 16, Texans 12. HBO’s series “Hard Knocks” featured the Texans this year, including a hard-fought QB competition between former Patriot backups Brian Hoyer and Ryan Mallett. That right there says it all. And RB Arian Foster is as fragile as a set of china. The Chiefs have Jeremy Maclin at WR but it doesn’t matter ‘cause QB Alex Smith is mentally incapable of throwing the ball farther than he can carry Coach Andy Reid on his back. Someone will call this a defensive game but it will really be a game void of any competent offense. Chiefs win 16-12. You want to know why the Texans will continue to suck … watch Hard Knocks. Their coach is a frat boy.
Seahawks 20, Rams 12. Nick Foles is the Rams new QB. Same old story. Meanwhile, the Seahawk dynasty is being whittled away by everyone wanting more money. While the ‘Hawks win, the Rams do own the league’s best nickname: their kicker is called Legatron.
Dolphins 23, Redskins 13. ‘Skins QB Kirk Cousins throws a pick six in this one, unless his horrible offensive line gets him killed first, in which case, RG III will throw the pick six.
Saints 31, Cards 18. Everyone is expecting the Saints to return to Super Bowl form. Not gonna happen. I believe that offense will return to prominence but the defense and Drew Brees’ propensity to throw INTs when pressured will prevent the Super Bowl run. On the Arizona side, QB Carson Palmer should count his blessings every day for being a white California guy who is 6’5” because he is clearly getting by on his “profile.” If he was “profiled” like a black QB, he’d be out of the league.
Chargers 20, Lions 17. I don’t know why the Lions drafted RB Melvin Gordon. Stupid. Prediction for the year. 750 yards at about 3 yards a carry.
Broncos 31, Ravens 18. Should be an entertaining game. However, QB Peyton Manning is done, folks. This will reveal itself early in the season. He said the other day he can’t feel his fingertips. I might not be a genius, but for a QB … that might be an issue.
Raiders 16, Bengals 13 = the WHY THE HELL DO THEY HAVE COACHING JOBS matchup of the week. Raiders Jack Del Rio versus Bengals Marvin Lewis. Raiders win at home in a surprise.
Bucs 17, Titans 14 in the first round QB bowl. Winston didn’t look good in preseason and is hurt but I still think he will be better than Mariota in the long term. Bucs defense surprises and they outlast the Titans 17-14. I will watch a bit just to see how Winston looks.
Eagles 30, Falcons 20. As soon as all the Eagles’ injury prone players start dropping like panties at an Usher concert, they will fall apart. They probably re-sign Tebow by week 3 after Bradford goes down for the year (again).
Vikings 20, Niners 2. How is SF QB Kaepernick still employed?
This is embarrassing. The GM of the Washington football team’s wife took to Twitter because she didn’t like a report by an ESPN reporter about her husband’s dysfunctional team. She asked “how many BJs” the rfemale eporter had to give to get her story and “did they laugh at her before or after?” Wow!!! That is phenomenally stupid. I really think Twitter should come with a delay. You tweet something and it holds it for about 6 hours, then pops up later to ask: “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO SEND THIS STUPID MESSAGE, YOU MORON?”
If you live in a city where an NFL team is looking for a new stadium – to be financed by the taxpayers – consider this. Each NFL team received $224 million in shared revenue for the last year. Think about that, after they sold merchandise and season tickets and $34 beers and $14 hotdogs the league GAVE each team another $224 million. The Jaguars, the Browns, the sorry teams that don’t even spend their money on players each got $224 million just because they have a team. They get these bonuses every year, but they still beg for taxpayer money for stadiums. Unbelievable. NO CITY should pay for a stadium. They can afford it.
I hate the NFL network. Every time I turn the channel on there are Patriot specials or ex-Patriot players explaining why the Patriots do everything right. Right now, Willie McGinest is trying to explain why the Pats defense will still be good after losing all their DBs, including Revis. Give me a break. The NFL network isn’t even trying now.
Season Predictions
Season predictions. Last week gave you all the records, this week the playoff results:
AFC Division Winners: Patriots, Colts, Broncos, Steelers.
AFC Wildcards: Ravens and Chargers
NFC Division Winners: Cowboys, Packers, Saints and Seabitches
NFC Wildcard: Eagles and Vikings. In Tedy we trust.
Wildcard Weekend: Ravens upset Broncos and end the Peyton Manning Era. Pats crush Chargers.
NFC: Vikings lose to Seahawks, Eagles lose to Saints.
Division Playoffs: AFC: Ravens lose to Patriots … again. Steelers outscore Colts.
NFC: Seahawks lose at Green Bay. Saints lose to Cowboys.
Championship Games:
Steelers pummel Patriots in revenge game. Gronkowski knocked out in first half by vicious James Harrison hit. Harrison considers it a going away present to the Steelers and dares Roger Goodell to fine him. Dares him.
Cowboys beat Packers. Tony Romo goes from goat to GOAT (greatest of all time) when everyone reviews his stats.
Super Bowl: Steelers vs Cowboys for the 4th time. For the third time the Steelers win. The Steelers commit so many penalties and act so pitifully during Super Bowl week that the Rooneys fire Tomlin on the podium and make him ride a Greyhound back to Pittsburgh.
Editor’s note: Full disclosure. As a Steeler fan, Harold has picked his team to win the past ten Super Bowls.
College Football is back, and the Notre Dame hype machine is in full swing. If some of those lesser Republican candidates want to break out, maybe they should hire the Notre Dame athletic department to do P.R. for them.
Finally … I saw a commercial for 48 hour deodorant. Please tell me what you need 48 hour deodorant for? Just take a shower you nasty SOB. Wash your ass. I expect my deodorant to last about 13 hours. By then I have either worked out or done some kind of chore that requires me to take a shower. 48 hour deodorant … if you are looking for or need 48 hour deodorant you should bounce one aisle over and buy some soap. Not Axe bodywash. Some soap.
