Horrorscopes
Virgo: Virgos tend to be very precise people. You like things the way they should be, perfect. Of course, perfection is impossible to sustain, in large part because it’s so boring. Therefore, your birthday gift to yourself is to understand that everything can’t always be perfect all the time and that sometimes mistakes lead to bigger and better things like new discoveries and children.
Libra: In an endless attempt to improve these HorrorScopes, Clouds regularly studies scholarly things like astrology textbooks, self-help books, psychic’s newsletters, homebrew chatrooms, and websites like The Chive and The Onion. Therefore, please figure out your own advice for the week. It’s the only advice you’ll listen to anyways.
Scorpio: Since Scorpios are such ethereal people, the recent passing of Dr. Wayne Dyer was probably a bummer for most of you. To help cheer you up, stand in front of the mirror every day—preferably naked or at least scantily clothed—and give thanks for your life while repeating some Dyer. A) “Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” B) “Miracles come in moments. Be ready and willing.” Z) Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.”
Sagittarius: With the NFL season kicking off Americans will finally stop talking about deflated balls and instead start watching grown men beat the snot out of each other over some. As we once again try to find our identity rooting for athletes playing for cities they barely know, please remember that it’s always just a game, and while it’s also best to root for the home team … put some money on an underdog or two.
Capricorn: To help you make the most out of some good upcoming opportunities, here are a few random things to make you sound smart and help conversation roll along. I) The infinity (?) sign is called a lemniscate.” I-) The most popular privately-owned boat named is “Serenity,” Number two is “Wet Dream.” I;) There are over two-and-a-half million possible hands in Texas Hold `Em, but it only takes one lucky one to be a winner
Aquarius: Every sign has power or key words and Aquarius is no different. Your ability to string together keywords into sentences unfit for publication even in The Sheet is impressive. And since this sign is also known for having great mouths, try uttering out some of your sign’s keywords according to The Astrologer’s Manual: Altruism, Commingle, Forgive, Kaleidoscope, Resurrect, and Zigazag.
Pisces: Sometimes the best way to destroy an enemy is to make a friend. Sometimes friendship is the most important thing. Sometimes the best way to make a new friend-with-benefits is to say something like this: You still use a PC? You must like it nice and slow.
Aries: The Stars say that right now you’re craving some balance in your life so they intend on sending some your way. Of course, the key to a well-balanced life is much like a well-balanced diet. They both include enjoying and respecting all the gifts of Mother Nature, plenty of fresh water, some treats every now and again, and lots of fondling the “fruit and veggies.”
Taurus: Fellow Taurus, Dr. Wayne Dyer passed away recently in Hawaii even though he was born 75 years earlier in Detroit. That right there is the sign of a successful life. Therefore, please adopt one of his mottos. 1)“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” 2) “How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours.” 27) “It’s never crowded along the extra mile.”
Gemini: The keys to life right now are faith and trust—although if you really want to get technical those are always the keys to life. But right now the Stars say that it’s easy for lots of folks to turn molehills into mountains. Since attitudes are like steroids to life, especially right now, try to stay faithful and trusting and try not to inject yourself in the hindquarters.
Cancer: The Stars say things are turning positive in just about every aspect of your life. So there’s no reason why you can’t go out there and get a piece of any action you want. Here’s hoping that if any kind of booty is what you’re trying to get a piece of, you get two big handfuls.
Leo: It looks like this would be the perfect time for you think about your future, and visualize how you would ideally like life to be. Don’t worry about the how, just focus on what you want. To help, be more grateful for all your blessings, make sure one of your goals is to give and get good love (accompanied by good lovin’) and listen to Lao Tzu: “Let life ripen and then fall. Force is not the way at all.”
