Horrorscopes
Scorpio: The Stars are happy to report that the next year of your life will be focused on honesty and openness. Since Scorpios and honesty/openness don’t always see eye-to-eye, this next year will open your eyes as to how much easier life is when you’re not trying to hide anything. Therefore, your new mottos will come from Mark Twain: 1) “If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” 2) “The worst loneliness is not being comfortable with yourself.” 3) “Honesty is the best policy—when there is money in it.”
Sagittarius: Your November is going to be like the old NBA slogan, “Fan-tastic!” Therefore, please expect plenty of the following: High Fives; feeling a strong fondness for guys named Michael and Larry; enjoying time with “Dr. J” and “Magic;” reminding people that Spud Webb once won the Slam Dunk contest just to prove anything is possible.
Capricorn: To help you make the most out of these last few months of the year, please add some X Ambassadors to your sound track: “Long live the pioneers, rebels and mutineers. Go forth and have no fear.”
Aquarius: To make sure you’re making the most out of this truly blessed time of life, be sure to embrace hope, accept change and pat happiness on the fanny. To help, start surfing the web for stuff like The Positivity Blog, which reminds us daily that staying positive is like bathing—if you don’t want to start smelling funny, do it regularly.
Pisces: This much we know is true: Life is about change. You can either embrace or reject it, but whatever you do don’t pull a classic Pisces move and simply ignore it. You see, any change can be positive if you want it to be. The only thing change doesn’t like to be is ignored. Therefore, try referring to change as “Baby” and repeating the “Dirty Dancing” line: “Nobody puts Baby in a corner!”
Aries: Since Geminis make great matches for Aries, your advice for the week is believed to have come from a classic Gemini, Marilyn Monroe: “Nothing lasts forever, so live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid drama, take chances, and never have regrets because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted.”
Taurus: While some folks mistakenly believe that happiness is a warm gun, bath or meal, happiness is really nothing but a simple choice, just like the other ones we make all day like: Do we want fires or a salad? Should we be kind or dinks? Underwear or commando? To help with your answers, here’s one from the Dalai Lama: “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
Gemini: Even if you’re not a religious person it’s a good idea to regularly say God, Allah, Buddha, Yahweh, Rama, or whichever version you prefer. The sound of those words is relaxing and saying them while thinking positive or healing thoughts is good for you. It certainly beats a stick in the eye. It can also be done almost anytime, from the car to the shower to the bedroom, where it’s often uttered to announce another possible conception.
Cancer: Clouds would like the kind, caring, sexy, naturally athletic, eccentric and slightly egomaniacal people of this sign to know that the key to getting past any stretch of rough seas is to be compassionate. As studies done on frozen ice crystals show, even water has feelings, the type of feelings Clouds likes best when brewed with hops and barley.
Leo: To help make sure you’re embracing all the positivity the Stars are sending your way, please try to think and speak positively, thankfully and with lots of love. To help, pick one of these mottos. From Abram Hicks: “If you’re not excited about it, it’s not the right path” And from Clouds, “Don’t you think it’s about time you realized I’m pretty amazing?”
Virgo: The Stars are saying this would be the perfect time for you to get out of Dodge for a while, especially if you’ve been living out of your Dodge. To help set the tone for this excursion, your words of wisdom for the week will come from the infamous Ferris Bueller, “The question isn’t ‘what are we going to do?’ The question is ‘what aren’t we going to do?’”
Libra: Here are your pieces of questionable advice for the week: 1) Never take lovemaking tips from Animal Planet. 15) Libras are happiest when they are balanced, spending time with friends, or feel like they got a great deal! 33) Always try to be a Richard, not
