Madonna is an Eagles fan
Eagles -1 at Lions. The Eagles should be like a virgin and laying NOTHING. But it is the Lions. These two teams will both will be without their head coaches next year. Take the Eagles not only cover, but to sign Colin Kaepernick next year.
Panthers -1 at Cowboys. The Panthers are playing at Dallas and usually that is a plus for the visiting team at that funeral home they call Cowboy Stadium. But the Panthers aren’t one of those teams carrying a ridiculous road crowd. I go on record as saying Cam…….Whoa Cam……Caaaammmm is the MVP. But when I watch that team they are still a mess from a talent standpoint. The Cowboys meanwhile are 3-0 with Romo as starting QB and 0-7 without him. Give Romo his due already.
Texans -3 vs Saints. WOW. You are the Saints and you are a 3 point DOG to the Texans. Meaning they like Brian Hoyer over Drew Brees. If you are the Saints owner and you go to the sports book to bet and you see the Texans favored over your team … you should call a headhunter and tell him you need him to find you a coach, GM, waterboy, guy who holds up the towels on the sidelines so they can’t see your playcalls, cheerleaders, girls who you pay to sex up the players on the road (backup cheerleaders aka fluffers), scouting department …
Falcons -2 points vs. the Vikings. Take the Vikes plus the points. Falcon QB Matty “Ice” Ryan has been throwing picks like Charles Oakley.
Giants laying 2 points vs the Skins. Lay ‘em like … you are not really sure you want them, but you already committed.
Bengals laying 9.5 against the Rams. We will never call them the Big Game Bengals. The Bengals are a 1p.m. on Sunday team. They can’t win in prime-time and they can’t win in the playoffs. Fortunately for the Bengals, this is a 1 p.m. game.
Colts -3 against the Bucs. Why? I hear people saying Matt Hasselbeck is a good NFL QB again. Hold on, I need another drink. Matt Hasselbeck is Jurassic Old. Take the Bucs plus the points. They actually have a good NFL QB, Jameis Winston, who hit 5 TD passes last week.
Jets laying 3.5 vs Dolphins. I just said the Ryan Fitzpatrick carriage was about to turn into a fucking pumpkin. The wheels have fallen off. You can’t continue with Fitzpatrick for a full season. He is a great backup but for 16 games?? No. And now the team is running every RB except Chris Ivory? They are a black coached team. Boring offense and thinking hold the game to a 14-10 victory range. Recipe for disaster. Get a fucking QB. Start Bryce Petty. Could he be worse than Fitzy or Geno?
Jags -4 points at San Diego. What the hell? You are a dog AT HOME vs the Jaguars? Now I am pissed cuz last week I started Charger QB Philip Rivers in my money (fantasy) league and he put up one point. He could have eaten wings and drank bourbon all day like me … and put up one less point. Disaster. If I’m Philip Rivers, I bolt (pun intended) that team as soon as I can. They haven’t made a good personnel decision since they had Dan Fouts and Kellen Winslow. They are terrible. Rivers was trying to carry that miserable team the other day and it was obvious he knew it and he was tired. He had to have thrown 3 or 4 passes that hit receivers in the numbers or facemask and they dropped them. At first he was pissed, but by the end they would drop the pass and he would unstrap his chinstrap and walk off like he knew it.
Steelers 4.5 point dogs at Seattle. I am gonna say take the Steelers plus the points. Where are all the people who said Marshawn Lynch was special and wouldn’t get old or fall off like other RBs? I can’t stop laughing. In the history of the world, Marshawn Lynch was voted by Seattle as the only person who would beat father time……….besides George Burns and Keith Richards. So they threw $13 million at an aging, Skittles-swallowing RB who is a mental midget.
Pats laying 3.5 against the Osweilers. Funny how the Broncos offense looked better with Osweiler than Manning. Look, no one is saying Osweiler is a better QB than Manning lifetime, but he is better right now. Take the Pats.
Browns -2.5 versus the Ravens. I gotta give Raven QB Flacco some love. Flacco tore his ACL AND MCL last week and toughed it out to play the next two plays to make sure they hit the game-winning FG. I think Flacco sucks … but that was manning up.
The Seahawks are concerned Russell Wilson is becoming a celebrity. Lol. They are mad cuz he’s dating Ciara and going Hollywood. If Ciara walked up and threw some yumyum at you, you would change too. You would change your clothes, your phone number, your friends and you would change your entire routine to revolve around … seeing Ciara.
Thanksgiving is here folks. The time for family, friends and everyone to gather and eat and drink yourselves stupid. This year I got a Thanksgiving miracle … some peace and quiet. Usually it is a day of cooking for 30 hours so you can eat for 4 minutes and clean up for 3 more hours. This year, I may not even put my clothes on. I will be eating turkey sandwiches on the couch with my boxers on and watching football and chasing it with Wild Turkey and eggnog. I won’t have to pretend to be interested in a conversation I would rather rip my nuts out with a spoon than listen to. And after all that you gotta get your ass up and go to work the next day. I can do without it for the most part. When you have a BBQ you have it on a Saturday so you have the next day off. And you invite ONLY people you want to see. You don’t invite people you feel like you HAVE to invite and put up with. Read this to your wife and say, “I can’t believe he is saying this” while you applaud me under the table. Thanksgiving is a day for people you like. Do that instead and you will be much happier.
