Horrorscopes
Sagittarius: This next year promises to be full of important and profound changes in your life. You will be given plenty of opportunity for personal growth and development. Of course, to make room for the new things you’ll have to get rid of some old things like relationships and clothing that are worn out beyond mending. The key is to be more thankful for what they brought you than you are about getting rid of `em.
Capricorn: To help you get through the chaos of the upcoming season, please be sure to carve out some “Me Time” for exercise, fresh air and moments to reflect about anything you’re thankful for. To help, here are some words of wisdom, A) “Sometimes burning bridges can be a good thing; it keeps you from going back to places you never should have been in the first place.” USA) “The last letters of ‘American’ spell out I CAN!’”
Aquarius: The Stars are reporting that you should have lots of positive and creative energies flowing through your life. To make the most out this, please try to stay thankful and to surround yourself with positive and creative people. Please leave the other types as soon as possible, and especially before you say something like: “The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.”
Pisces: The key to a happy and fulfilled life is to not pass judgment on others, or even on yourself. All you can really do is try to be the best you possible, which is hopeful, happy, helpful, thankful, and horny. To help, make this your new mantra: “Only Godzilla can judge me now.”
Aries: To keep you feeling thankful as life begins to act like it’s Mardi Gras and starts doing almost anything to get some beads, please adopt one of the following Big Easy-based mottos: 1) “Who dat? … want to share a Muffuletta with me.” F) “Laissez les bons temps rouler.” V) “I really like the voodoo you do!”
Taurus: One of the things the good and feisty folks of this sign should always be thankful for is your fiery personality. Even if it does sometimes get you into hot water, most people enjoy a good bath or hot tub every once and while anyway. Plus, it lets people know where they stand with you. To help you keep your language clean during any frustrations, please adopt lines from “Johnny Dangerously:” A) “You miserable cork-soaker!” I)“Ice-holes like yourselves.”
Gemini: For obvious reasons, it’s a lot easier to get angry than it is to stay calm. It’s all about breathing and perception. After all, life is only what you perceive it to be. So if you don’t like getting peeved or downright pissed off, don’t; instead take a deep breath, find something to be thankful for, and decide to make a change, just don’t change into “Caitlyn Jenner.” One is more than enough for the world.
Cancer: Just in case you forgot, we all have an awkward teenager inside of us, just like we all have an awestruck child and a love struck adult stuck inside of us, too. And all these people inside can burst out at any given moment, sort of how farts sneak out after eating beans, aka “the musical fruit.” Which is why you should be more thankful for your experiences and remember everybody toots.
Leo: Get ready to feel exceptionally thankful and don’t be surprised if a lucky horseshoe falls on your head or somebody accidentally feeds you a four-leafed-clover in a mixed green salad or you sit on a rabbit’s foot. You’re on a lucky streak, my friend, so buckle up … the ride should get nice and bouncy.
Virgo: If you are unencumbered by a partner but would like to be, or if your partnership has been feeling a little cumbersome lately, reasons to be thankful are coming your way. According the Stars, we are entering an “encumbering-in-all-the-right-ways” season. To help you embrace it, try this line: “Is your name ‘Google’? Because you’re everything I’m looking for.”
Libra: In case you’re feeling a little unfocused or out of sorts right now, don’t worry. All you need to do is be thankful, open and kind and everything will work out well. To help, your words of wisdom come from J.R.R. Tolkien: “All that is gold does not glitter. Not all those who wander are lost.”
Scorpio: One of the most important things to be thankful for in life is that it’s never really about the destination. No, it’s really about the journey, how you get there and who you travel with—unless, that is, your destination is an all-inclusive clothing-optional adult resort or your favorite restaurant, in which case it actually is a little more about the destination.
