Year in review: personals

I saw your ass … was nominated for an Oscar this week. BTW. Hello. My name is Oscar.

I see you … prefer deflated balls. This is precisely why I moved as far away from New England as I could.

In search of … balls, deflated or not. Which means I expect to take zero shit over my tit or ass deflation.

In search of … the Super Bowl, but I tend to have a terrible sense of direction after a one-hitter.

I hope to see you … at the Easter Egg hunt I’m hosting. You dress up as a bunny. I’ll dress up as Hef. Good news! I’m way younger than Hef.

In search of … an April Fool? I do see there’s a Town Council meeting scheduled that evening.

I saw you … signed up for the Ezakimak. In preparation for the big event, let’s have xes the night before.

In search of … someone who’s ready and willing, because my drought makes the State’s look benign by comparison.

I saw you … shopping for Fishmas bait. Note: The cops do not look kindly upon you loitering on high school property.

In search of … a place to put an ice rink? Simple. Put it at the airport. That way you’ll be able to more effectively oversee your boondoggles because they’ll all be located at the same place.

I hope to see you … out on the golf courses this summer. I hear they’re replacing the Bermuda grass with a Brazilian alternative, as the Brazilian variety has no rough and thus requires little water.

In search of … a Mother****** to spend Mother’s Day with. Seriously.

In search of … a place to put an ice rink? Try my ex-girlfriend’s house. It’s so frosty over there you might be able to operate it year-round.

In search of … no small adventure? Then don’t date my ex.

Hope to see you … at the Mammoth Lakes Film Festival. If you’ll reach into my popcorn box, I’ll treat you to a double feature.

I hope to see you … at the Mammoth Lakes Film Festival. Will you say hello to my little friend?

I saw you … are about to graduate. That’s nice, but I’m really more interested in whether or not you’ve turned 18 yet.

I saw you … at the earthquake lecture. Technically speaking, it’s all your fault.

I heard you … want to install a zip line on the Mountain. Nice idea, but I’ve got a better one. How about an un-zipper line at 53 Kitchen and Cocktails.

I hope to seduce you … on Father’s Day. After all, if you’ve done it before, you can do it again. I promise you one night with me is  worth the 18-year legal commitment!

I hope to see you … at the No Small Adventure-themed 4th of July parade in Mammoth. The parade slogan actually makes perfect sense, as Mammoth has a tendency to wallow in double negatives. Mammoth is also fixated on the words ‘No’ and ‘Small.’

In search of … someone to make fireworks with this weekend. Oh, shoot, I see that fireworks are being prohibited. Well then, let’s just get drunk together and watch porn.

I see … that LADWP wishes to drill more wells. I want to drill more wells, too. Pass the Old Crow.

I hope to see you … at this weekend’s Burger Battle. If you’ll give me a little sizzle on your grill, I’ll let you enjoy the warmth between my buns.

I saw you … chuck your golf club in frustration the other day. Look on the bright side. At least THAT went straight.

I hope to see you … at that Friday night salsa class at East Side Bake Shop, because you make my tortilla just feel … crisp.

I hope to see you … at the Mammoth Jazz Jubilee. If you’re feeling a little disoriented and can’t find it, stop by Green Mammoth and try again.

I saw you … at last week’s Burger Battle. You liked Swiss. I liked American. Talk about destiny.

I hope to see you … at the Measure Z debate. Even though you’re married and not zoned for nightly rental, I’d be happy to cheat the Town out of some TOT with you.

I hope to see you … at the Measure Z debate. Quick quiz: What do Measure Z and Donald Trump have in common? Answer: The more you hear, the less you can stand it.

I hope to see you … at the Measure Z debate. Quick quiz: What do Bill Cosby and Measure Z have in common? Answer: No means Yes.

In search of … someone to hang out with for the Super Moons party. Yes, the usage of the plural is no accident.

I saw your team … is 0-2. You must feel deflated, and not just because Malcolm Butler makes that interception EVERY TIME in the highlight footage.

I hope to see you … at the next Measure Z forum. It’ll be like a Ted Talk, only the opposite.

I hope to see you … at the Mammoth Lakes Job Fair. I’ll promise to sleep with you if you get a job, just because I know it’ll never happen.

In search of … a MUF, but really think that we should incorporate a community pool into the design. Put it together and whaddya got? MUF diving!

I saw you … getting excited about the anticipated Godzilla El Nino. Me, I only get excited about the Godzilla El Chorizo.

I hope to see you … on Halloween this year, I’ve got a great costume idea. If you’ll go as my hooker, I’ll be your Lamar Odom (pre-O.D.). Wow. Who knew I’d ever get another chance to wear my Lakers’ jersey?

I saw you … called Red Sox fans insufferable. Have you seen your own “Rock the Kasbah” movie trailer?

I hope to see you … at next weekend’s Creepy Crawl. If you’ll let me ride your broom, I’ll be your little … witch.

I heard you … need to gather more wood for winter. No need to bother with the forest. I’ve got more than enough wood for you to handle right here.

I heard you … were embezzled from for the second time in two years. What, is Volkswagen the official car of the Tri-County Fair Board?

I saw you … rammed the MUF through at Council. Man, that seems like a really tight park for such a big MUF. Do you really think it’s big enough?

I hope to see you on Thanksgiving … because there’s nothing sexier than watching your wattle.

In search of a girl who has boobs as big as mine (aside: it would be a bonus if you were a Cleveland Browns fan; Johnny Manzierre is my favorite player).

I saw you … gave me two D’s on my report card. I wish they were real life D’s and not just D’s on paper.