Horrorscopes
Capricorn: The Stars are reporting that the keys to finding your greatest contentment in this next year of your life will come from spiritual and intellectual pursuits. So any educational and travel experiences will be rewarded. To make the most out it all remember that if you want your life to feel like its blessed, you’d better start acting like it is. And adopt Lefty O’MacDoul’s saying: “I may not be perfect, but parts of me are pretty awesome.”
Aquarius: Since this would be the perfect time for you to milk a little something special out of your daily life, your McNuggets of wisdom will all relate to cows. 1) The first ever cow to fly was in 1930. 2) Anyone who calls cows “Slow Elk,” has never tried to milk one. 3.) Happiness isn’t a place, it’s a state of mind, the state of mind that—much like Blue Öyster Cult fans—usually wants more cowbell.
Pisces: With your love life being highlighted for the rest of the month, here are a few “Must Dos” 1.) Whisper sweet nothings to your partner like “I can’t wait to see you in nothing, my sweet.” 2.) Let love and forgiveness and full nudity rule. 3.) Embrace what’s best about you and blame the worst parts on your parents.
Aries: Like most people, you’re a person, too. We are, after all, just people, regardless of our color or creed, religion or favorite football team (which means this even includes Raiders fans). That’s why we all need to start being kinder and more compassionate towards one another. We are still, of course, allowed to say bad things about people who truly deserve it, like Roger Goodell and those heavily-armed morons in Oregon.
Taurus: Seeing as how this is the time of year when people try to quit certain habits or get healthy, how about you kick the bad habit of judging others so harshly. After all, every last stinking one of us is addicted to something of some sort, whether it’s caffeine, sex, marijuana, cleanliness, skiing, Simpsons re-runs, diet soda, working … the list goes on and on like Donald Trump’s ego. So please remember we’re all freaks in our own ways.
Gemini: Why don’t you start the year off on a good note and get your attitude straightened out? To help, make your good luck word “balance,” remember that honest isn’t just the best suggestion, and never forget that worrying is a craptastic use of your imagination.
Cancer: Studies have shown that people who forgive are physically healthier and mentally happier than people who have trouble with forgiveness and choose to hold onto anger. If lots of hugs or partial nudity on your part or the parts of others is part of the forgiving process, you’re progress is coming along nicely.
Leo: The Stars are reporting that this would be the perfect time to spend some time visualizing how you’d ideally like your life to go. Remember not focus as much on what you accomplish, but rather on how it makes you feel. As a Leo you should, naturally, feel free to picture it with as many standing ovations as you want, especially when picturing the amorous parts.
Virgo: Babies learn to talk by making just about any strange sounds they can muster. Apparently, trying to eat everything they can get their grubby little hands on also helps. So your new assignment is to be more curious like a child about the motives behind your life. Just be sure to change your own stinky diapers and to be mindful about what you put in your mouth.
Libra: Life and love are funny things. To help you make sense of it all, please remember that love is like a river. Sometimes you’re going to float along like a dream. Sometimes your going to get wet and grumpy. Sometimes you’re going holler out, “Holy snicker doodles, hold on!” And other times, “Let’s go skinny dipping!” Sheet staff guess Mr. Kunkel is a Libra.
Scorpio: All Clouds requests of you gorgeous Scorpios is that you keep the following in mind: You can’t go through life scared, nor can you go through life angry. You can, however, go through life patiently, hopefully, humorously, horny and little sassy now and then—in fact, this is how you should be going through life. Make any necessary adjustments.
Sagittarius: The number one ingredient in achieving a New Year’s resolution is not beer (though beer certainly has a place in the reward category). No, it’s willpower. To help increase yours, remember to love yourself, to eat healthier, to get plenty of rest and to not let your fanny feel like it’s been Superglued to the couch, office or barstool.
