Horrorscopes
Aquarius: This next year of your life looks promising, so long as you comply by a few rules. #1: Don’t judge other people, no matter how tempting or humorous it may be. That’s not your job. #2 Always measure twice, cut once, even if cutting is more fun than measuring. #3 Be the living expression of love, especially the making part.
Pisces: The following truths should help you get through any frustrations that arise: 1.11) Don’t ask for whom the bell tolls, just hope it doesn’t mean you’re late for dinner. 4.44) If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it’s because he thinks his companions are a bunch of knobs.
Aries: It’s easy to feel a little blue as the winter doldrums settle in. To help, watch more Coldplay videos. Yes, they actually still make videos. Even if you don’t like Coldplay’s music, the unique way they tell stories should entertain and inspire you. Hearing some of the lyrics won’t hurt either, “‘Cause you’re a sky full of stars.”
Taurus: Studies have shown that the more a sick person is prayed for, the more likely that patient is to recover quickly and fully. As a Taurus, you probably already knew this. Therefore, please be sure to pray for and send positive vibes to lots of people, even those o-rings who don’t deserve it!
Gemini: The Stars are asking most signs to be more empathetic towards others. To help, try adopting one of these lines: A) “Come to the dark side. We have better underwear!” -Unknown B) “Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain’t desperate at some point, you ain’t interesting.” -Muhammad Ali C) “Be kind, for everyone you meet is carrying a burden of their own, or may just have a really bad wedgie.” -Clouds
Cancer: As an emotionally sensitive water sign you can probably feel the seas of your personal life picking up. This is nothing to fret over, especially since you do like a little rock in your ride every now and again—emphasis on the “again.” Just please be sure to be extra patient with other people and resist throwing anybody overboard until the seas calm down this spring, or at least until you get near the nude beach.
Leo: Leos aren’t necessarily vengeful people. They tend to follow Frank Sinatra’s theory that the best revenge is massive success. So don’t be so hard on yourself—and don’t hold onto it for long—if you can occasionally agree with this Betty Rubble line: “You know, Barney, life is funny. One minute people are your best friends, and the next you’re fantasizing they’re being ripped apart by a pack of rabid wolves.”
Virgo: Virgos can be super chill or energized freedom lovers so ambitious you’ll occasionally do strange things like think the grass is greener someplace else or refer to others as things like “Dippschmidts,” “Toolios” and “Snausages.” If you can refrain from such terms at work and with family you’ll find your groove and your efforts and patience will be rewarded this spring.
Libra: Studies have shown that maintaining regular routines (sleeping, eating, making love, enjoying a glass or bottle or two of wine at the same time every day) is the key to health and subsequent happiness. Therefore, try dialing in your routines and see if that doesn’t make you happier and healthier. If it doesn’t, Clouds suggests upping your doses of “Netflix and Chill.”
Scorpio: In an attempt to keep you on task, and to let you know that your task is a worthy one, by George, here’s a selection from your words of wisdom. 1) “You never really learn much from hearing yourself talk.” -George Clooney. 2) “One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is, ‘to be prepared.’” -George W. Bush C) “You’ve got to be honest. If you can fake that you’ve got it made.” -George Burns.
Sagittarius: The Stars are reporting that serendipity shall begin smiling upon you, which is great since the capable people of this sign like it when people smile at them, especially while disrobing. To help make the most out of this time, please end your days by giving thanks, and begin them by looking in the mirror and saying, “That’s right! You’re one gorgeous, successful, compassionate, smoking hot slice of amazing!”
Capricorn: The Stars are reporting that since you, too, are a star that you’re due for a good dusting and polishing—wink, wink. Therefore, please remember that even the brightest stars are surrounded by other stars, as well as empty space, odd bits of detritus and extras from Star Wars, Star Trek, numerous Matt Damon films and Spaceballs. May the Schwartz be with you!
