WEDDING RINGS AND ONION RINGS

Published in the April 11, 2026 issue.

One of the most desperate press releases I’ve ever seen landed in The Sheet inbox and was forwarded to me with a snort. 

The PR writer was plugging fast-food brands by allegedly creating a poll of California men that asked what 10 fast food joints they thought would be on the top of their list for proposing to their beloved. 

Yeah, propose marriage in Taco Bell, which came in third behind Pizza Hut (are they still in business?) and the top choice, Chick-fil-A. Just seeing the word “chick” probably got a lot of men all excited so that explains the Number 1 ranking. 

My first reaction was simple: Why go halfway and just propose? Why not hold the wedding in a fast-food restaurant? Better yet, make it a “destination wedding.” 

The fast-food destination wedding would solve quite a few perennial wedding day problems for Eastern Sierra love birds (not counting the hot, naked love birds on the grill at El Pollo Loco, which didn’t make the list). 

As we all know, a destination wedding is designed to weed out the people no one wants at a wedding. This is one reason Mammoth Lakes is such a popular wedding venue. When guests start calculating the costs of travel, pet-sitters, local accommodations, bachelor and bachelorette parties, and meals and booze, plenty of them get priced out and opt out, to the relief of the bride and groom. 

A fast-food destination wedding can achieve the same goal of thinning the herd at a fraction of the cost to the bride and groom and their families. 

The key is picking a fast-food joint that is miles and miles away from the Eastern Sierra. 

For example, a Burger King wedding sounds tasty. Especially when you pick the Tonopah Burger King. It’s at least a two to three hour drive from here, and even farther from Socal. And after all that driving everyone is in Tonopah, a nice old mining town, but not exactly a garden spot.  

For the younger crowd, the trip to Tonopah should eliminate old college friends that were invited so you will not get a future reminder that, “oh, sorry, I forgot I missed your wedding because you didn’t think I was important enough to invite,” as they guilt-trip you into buying a $2,000 outfit for their destination wedding in Fiji. 

The long drive into the middle of nowhere Nevada will also weed out the people at work you feel obligated to invite because you’ve been blabbering about getting married for months if not years. They will sincerely offer their regrets and a “team” wedding card since they don’t like you that much, anyway. Which is fine, because the only reason you tolerate them is you get paid to tolerate them. 

Since Burger King does not serve booze and frowns on brown-bagging a pint of vodka, there will be some uncles and cousins declining the invite. Not a loss. They are shirttail relatives who only go to weddings to score a nice meal, take some cake home, find a new cousin to “date,” before eventually drinking into stupid because that’s acceptable at a wedding. 

With any luck they will send regrets and a gift card to Walmart. 

Now that the crowd has been winnowed down to the bare essentials, the ceremony gets fairly simple. 

First, no special dresses or suits. There will be no Tonopah-based fashion editors or reporters critiquing anyone’s “red carpet” ensemble. 

The real uniformity in design will come from Burger King, which will provide lovely, colorful cardboard crowns to everyone. 

The venue will also dictate the pace of the ceremony. After everyone is welcomed and handed their crowns, they will then order the wedding feast – nothing on the menu is off limits, so go nuts, get fries and onion rings. Really. 

Although it’s fast food, it will take a while to get everyone’s order cooked and served. 

Here is where the officiant springs into action with a rapid-fire ceremony: “Dearly beloved we are gathered here to witness the marriage of Cheapskate Bob and Desperate Debbie. Any issues? No? Good. Do you take each other through heartburn and car sickness? Great. Now you are married. Here’s some paperwork, sign it later. Can I get some extra ketchup for those onion rings?” 

Everyone sits down and eats unless they have a long drive so they take their food to go. A toast with soda pop of your choice, handshakes and hugs all around, a couple selfies and group shots and boom, that’s it. 

Good luck, God bless and enjoy marital bliss. 

Easy as falling of a Tonopah mine tailing. 

Jon Klusmire of Bishop sort of likes Tonopah and really misses Burger King.