Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Leo: It looks as though the Universe is ready to give you whatever you most need to live a whole and happy life. All you’ve got to do is ask, believe, keep on keeping on and it’ll fall into place for you like the pins on a perfectly rolled 7-10 split. So remember that while rolling a strike may be more thrilling, saving a spare is much more sexy.
Virgo: Since there’s not much going on for you right now, ass-trologically speaking, here are few pieces of advice: 1)When too much wine goes in, too many secrets come out. 2) When too much whiskey goes in, the imbiber ain’t going out tomorrow. $) And when too much beer goes in, out come too many long-winded, barely discernible diatribes about God knows what — followed by numerous attempts at group hugs.
Libra: Libras are known for giving lots of advice — some of it great, some of it as useful as a Magic 8 Ball. They’re also known for not listening to advice. Therefore, your mission for the rest of the summer is to work on listening to what those whom you respect and admire tell you. But feel free to ignore any advice given by the rest of the buttnuggets in your life.
Scorpio: Dear Scorpios, pick your own damn advice for the week. Here are your choices: A) When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing you should do is stop digging. B) If loving you ain’t right, I guess I’m screwed. C) Don’t be “that guy/girl.” RR) Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
Sagittarius: Some say a fool and his money are soon parted. Others argue that a fool and his money are soon partying. Since the people of this sign tend to be good with money and therefore have lots of it, maybe what you really need in life is a good reason to party. Here’s one: Just for the hell of it!
Capricorn: This month will offer you plenty of opportunity to make changes in life. Naturally, you’ll struggle with moments of self-doubt and stress will mess with you. To help keep you strong, remember these words from a fellow Earth sign, Benjamin Franklin: “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
Aquarius: Since stress on the social front is running high, you may need an inner saying to keep your cool. Here are two choices: Ein)“It’s not that I’m insensitive, I just don’t care.” Dos) “Everybody hates me because I’m paranoid.”
Pisces: Earlier this week, all 325 (yeah, right) pounds of fellow Pisces Shaquille O’Neal joined the Boston Celtics. Despite having the grace, defensive skills and same dietician as Jabba the Hut, Shaq has a bunch of championship rings and is a shoo-in for the Hall of Fame. Therefore, your new attitude is: When in doubt, elbow ‘em in the gut and dunk it.
Aries: Your words of sudsy wisdom for the week will come from Jack Handy: “Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’”
Taurus: Since things may get out-of-sorts with a friend, lover or possibly a pet, the key will be to control your cool. If you get so cool you start to turn blue you should either put more clothes on, get some exercise or cut down on Coors Light.
Gemini: With the end of summer on the horizon the Stars are reminding you to take some time to get outside and get in touch with nature. Of course, this doesn’t mean you should go au natural — it’s only being suggested. But whatever outdoor activity you choose, especially if it involves exposing your skin, for goodness sake, take some bug spray, suntan lotion and pictures to send to Clouds.
Cancer: Since change is chasing after you like it’s a bunch of kids and you’re driving an Ice Cream truck, Clouds would like to remind you of this Lyle Lovett ditty: “I love everybody, especially you. So if you feel lonesome, remember it’s true. I love everybody especially you.” Now, put your purse down and give some of it a big hug.
