Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Scorpio: It’s once again time for ghost and goblins, tricks and treats, sweets and cuddling inside during chilly nights. To celebrate the start of the next year of your life (and in case you still need a Halloween idea) find your inner Dalai Lama. If this means wearing little more than a bathrobe and a smile, so be it. As His Holiness said, “Anything — external as well as internal — which ultimately brings happiness is positive.”

Sagittarius: We’re almost past this period when communication snafus are popping up like tourists during a big snow year. To help you make it through (and if you need a costume idea) pick one of the following Shaquille O’Neal quotes: 1) “Every challenge you put in front of me, I’ve handled it, dismantled it … ate them, dropped them off in the bathroom and flushed them away.” 36) “If you don’t like me, there must be something wrong with you!”

Capricorn: Keep in mind that what you don’t have, you may not actually need. And what you don’t need you probably already have plenty of. If this all sounds confusing, don’t worry. Worrying is useless behavior anyway. But love-making never is. Therefore, your assignment is to love yourself, just not in public lest you get arrested.

Aquarius: Here are your Universal truths for the week: From Lao-Tzu: “Let life ripen and then fall. Will is not the way at all.” From Tupac, “Penitentiaries are packed with promise-makers.” From RuPaul, “We all came into this world naked. The rest is all drag.”

Pisces: Since “Top Gun 2” is now in the works, pick your new mantra (and, if need be, a Halloween costume character) from the original film: “Hey Goose, you big stud, take me to bed now or lose me forever.” Or, “I felt the need. The need for speed!”

Aries: The following phrase is usually incorrectly credited to President Kennedy, but really could only come from a fire sign like yours. Fellow fire sign, Leo George Bernard Shaw actually penned: “Some men see things as they are and ask, ‘Why?’ I dream things that never were and ask, ‘Why not?’” Therefore, remember you’re naturally hot and the words you utter to others are powerful as something a President might say — unless you’re hammered, in which case simply veto yourself!

Taurus: With the World Series in full swing and kids swinging around bags filled with Baby Ruths and Butterfingers, your hero for the week is Yogi Berra. Pass out the following Yogi-isms like candy: “A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.” “Even Napoleon had his Watergate.” “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.”

Gemini: Now is a perfect time for you to sit back and spend some time assessing your life, and see if you’ve applied anything you learned recently to it. If you haven’t, it’s high time you do. If Clouds has learned nothing else, he’s learned this: Karma doesn’t just have a long memory; it’s also a popular name amongst pole dancers.

Cancer: Since Cancerians, more so than most, need to be liked and appreciated, and since Halloween is great holiday for giving and receiving, the following information should help you make the most of this week. The most popular Trick-or-Treat items: Gummy bears. Kit Kats and Reese’s Cups. The least popular: Apples, Raisins, Toothbrushes, Candy Corn, LeBron James jerseys, subscriptions to the Fifty Center, unmarried-mittens and hummus.

Leo: Most people live by the motto “If it weren’t for the last minute, I wouldn’t get anything done.” Leos prefer to see procrastination as life’s way of saying the time just isn’t right for that particular activity. The Stars say now is the time to take action and you will reap the rewards of your effort. While raking the metaphorical leaves of your life, remember that there is a cold beer and a warm fire waiting for you when you’re done.

Virgo: This much we know is true: You get back what you give out. Like Doc and Marty in “Back to the Future,” if you give the world kindness it returns it to you ten-fold. And like Biff Tannen, if you give the world crap it returns the favor by dumping a front-end loader full of manure right on top of you.

Libra: Since Libras don’t always like Halloween, Clouds suggest the following costumes to make sure you get in touch with your delighted inner child: Julio Iglesias (not to be confused with Julio Iglesias, Jr.), Shania Twain or Bob Hope, who once said, “Kids are wonderful; I like mine barbecued.”