Horroscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Sagittarius: Members of this sign tend to be a bit moody, which can be real tough during the holidays. Therefore, please try to remember that, much like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you, too, have the power to control your own mood — no matter how much reindeer crap you have to put up with. By the way, it helps to play plenty of reindeer games, such as “Stuff my Stocking,” “Co-ed Naked Twister” or “Tag Me.”
Capricorn: Some people say Capricorns are so lazy they should adopt snails or telephone poles as their mascots. But Clouds doesn’t buy into this at all and would like to remind you that it’s important to have goals in life. That is, so long as your goals aren’t to simply be goalposts, unless, you like to be regularly sworn at and occasionally torn down — although if that’s the case, you sound like you’re fun to party with.
Aquarius: Since this is a very active time of year, it may help to remember that nothing gets your heart pumping like a bowl of spiked eggnog. The Stars suggest, however, that you actually turn down any unsavory social invitations in exchange for some much-needed relaxation time. To help you meet this goal, you are cordially invited to the holiday party Clouds is hosting in your pants.
Pisces: Perhaps the biggest thing most of us forget about life is that happiness is a choice. Just like a Baskin Robbins, life offers you at least 31 flavors. So, you can choose one such as “Extra Chunky Crappypants” or “Raspberry-flavored Pleasantly-in-Denial” or you can always choose a double scoop of “Bliss and Contentment Swirl topped off with Screaming Orgasms.”
Aries: Here’s the key to love: you MUST learn to love and accept yourself first, because you need to know how to both give and receive it before you can share love. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, here’s a cheesy pickup line to help get the liquids boiling: “You had me at, ‘Naked hot tub?’”
Taurus: The Stars say that romance in your life is rising like a rooster at sunrise right now. Therefore, this would be a great time to either try to get pregnant or to just practice trying to get pregnant. So, remember that practice makes perfect, and even if it doesn’t make perfect, it can make for lots of fun.
Gemini: Retirement no longer means what it used to. Instead of working at one place for a lifetime and then calling it quits right before you croak, we now just wander from one career to the next. Keep this in mind in case a co-worker at a holiday party says something offensive to you, because that person may wind up serving you dinner someday soon.
Cancer: The Stars are calling “all hands on deck” for those signs that are great at spreading hope and good cheer. And so this, quite naturally, includes you, dear Cancers. So get off your keester and start whooping ass like only you can. Just be sure not to go so far that somebody actually wants to kick you in the can.
Leo: Partnerships are what your ass-trological outlook is focused on right now. So try to keep in mind that there’s more to a successful relationship than just finding someone with the kind of a bum you like … but not much more, especially if you’re an ass man/woman.
Virgo: Confusions at work and at home should start to clear up this week like a teenager on Retin-A. To celebrate, do something fun for your significant others, be they co-workers or home-sharers. Remember, nothing says, “I appreciate you for being you” more than a fresh box of donuts.
Libra: It looks as though the Stars are giving you a big “Thumbs Up!” for how you’ve been living your life recently. They like the way you keep the seesaw in a delightfully tipsy sort of balance. To celebrate, don’t change a thing about yourself, except maybe change your undies for a thong/banana hammock.
Scorpio: With the holidays about to invade us the way our troops once pounded the beaches of Normandy, Clouds would like to remind you of three things: A) It’s only life, for crying out loud. It ain’t world war. 2) What don’t break a man, make a man. X) Sometimes we all feel as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
