Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Capricorn: To celebrate your birthday, Clouds implores you to take things as they come right now and enjoy every celebration as though it’s being thrown in part for you. Because if you do that, the Stars are certain to shower you with snowflakes of joy and success. Just don’t eat the yellow ones.
Aquarius: To help keep you in the holiday spirit, feel free to enjoy a few rounds of your favorite spirit with a friend or a lover, coworkers, cow-workers or postal workers. Clouds only caution: make sure you have a rough idea of when to say when. For example, set a limit after which you won’t try to drive or use your cell phone to call and tell your boss/former fling to shove a Christmas tree up their derriere.
Pisces: With the Stars shining brightly on your home life, don’t be surprised if your love life occasionally glitters like a Christmas tree. Therefore, the keys for you right now are these: give thanks for the people in your life; and remember that you never know when friendship will lead to French kissing, or vice-versa.
Aries: Your advice on love for the week comes from the legendary Charles Bukowski: “love iz a big fat turkey and everyday iz thanksgiving.” And your work advice comes from Clouds: “Do what you love and always act as if you’re overpaid and worth every penny!”
Taurus: Because this time of year is so hectic, it’s easy to lose your head and say or do something you’ll regret later. Therefore, Clouds advises taking a deep breath before blurting out anything you’ll regret or have to deny later, such as the following: “You’re about as useful as tinsel!” or “I never really liked your pecan pie anyway. I just faked it!”
Gemini: Twins-signers are terrific during the holidays because they teach the rest of us about self-love and almost single-handedly assure any party is a success by being able to engage just about anybody in conversation – at least as long as they feel like it. Therefore, your assignment is to tap into that inner Gemini mistletoe while ignoring the inner Scrooge.
Cancer: The keys to success are: hard work, a positive attitude, belief and a little luck. However, keep in mind that luck loves those who have the biscuits to love themselves. While “Lucky” tends to love anyone with a dog biscuit or willing to pat his tummy. “Lucky” is also what you call someone who just had a chance to butter some biscuits, be they real or meta-phornicating-ly.
Leo: Members of this sign are known for their astute acting abilities (see: Robert Redford, Mae West and even Monica Lewinsky). Therefore, your new assignment is to try acting as though you love everybody and as if everything in your life is simply perfect — even if this means all you’re doing is faking it until you’re making it. Just be sure to do a better job acting than Chevy Chase did in “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation: Yule Crack (your own head against the chimney) Up!”
Virgo: To assure you keep the proper mindset, Clouds suggests adding some music from fellow Virgo Elton John to your holiday selections. In addition, your new nickname is “Daniel” (or “Danielle,” depending on your gender/secret identity) because after all “you’re a star in the face of the sky,” and we all miss you when you’re not around or acting like yourself, even when you dress funny.
Libra: Since this sign is ruled by Venus, it sometimes seems as if life for Libras is just one big Ben Affleck movie: sometimes it’s great, sometimes it’s a form of torture. To help, here are some words from Bennifer: “Sure, I suffered a lot, but it’s not like the end of the world and it’s not who I am. I lead quite a pleasant life and I’m able to divorce a perceived reality from my actual experience of life.”
Scorpio: To help remind you of the true meaning of the holidays, be sure to get your eggnog spiked, and heed these words from a fellow Scorpio, writer Robert Louis Stevenson: “To be honest, to be kind … to make upon the whole a family happier for his presence … to keep friends with himself … here is a task for all that a man has of fortitude and delicacy.”
Sagittarius: It’s fairly easy to get depressed during the holidays, especially since the days are so short and Christmas music has been playing nonstop since Halloween. But there’s really no need to get all bummed out. Just like the runs, or reruns of MacGyver. This holiday season, however, Clouds recommends not doing anything crazier than eating an entire fruitcake in one sitting.
