Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Pisces: People prone to humming, whistling or singing aloud, especially while working, are said to be happier and healthier. It seemed to work well enough for the Seven Dwarves. Therefore, your new assignment is to be nicer to short people, and to start singing aloud. Clouds suggests Lyle Lovett’s “I love everybody, especially you.” Unless, that is, you’re in prison or a public bathroom.
Aries: Since the Stars are asking you to take the next step in your personal evolution right now, your new role model will be your fellow sign-mate, former “Star Trek” star, Leonard Nimoy. So here are two quotes from Dr. Spock. On logic: “Logic is a wreath of pretty flowers that smell bad.” And about life as an Aries: “Nowhere am I so desperately needed as among a shipload of illogical humans.”
Taurus: The good news is that your imaginary mood ring is set to purple, which means your passions are aflame, you’re engulfed in happiness and you are creatively en fuego. Therefore, here’s your latest batch of Clouds’ Rules for Life: #11 The most important ingredient for mind blowing sex is trust, #14a Always be wary of anyone who says, “To be honest with you” and #41 Never bring a spork to a knife fight.
Gemini: Starting this week, Mercury is in retrograde for about a month. So make the most of out it by keeping your cool, working on yourself, and not starting fights or laying blame on others. It’ll help if you remember that you shouldn’t say anything such as the following to anyone: “I have no idea what makes you such an idiot, but it’s really working!”
Cancer: Since Cancers tend to get very set in their attitudes about people, work on keeping the following in mind: Even the person who invented salmon-flavored vodka deserves love. People not only can change, they do it all the time. Holding a grudge is bad for your lower back and feels like a kick to the karmic crotch region.
Leo: The much-beloved Knut the polar bear, raised by zookeepers in Berlin, passed on to the great frozen beyond recently. And a little bit of the boundless love he felt from the rest of the world just seeped into you. But this doesn’t give you an excuse to go eat a seal or a researcher. You may, however, feel free to eat all the Eskimo pies you want. They’re delicious and all the lovemaking you’re soon to do is sure to burn off any extra calories.
Virgo: The Stars wanted to let you know that April may be a bit of a financial and emotional roller coaster as Mercury goes retrograde. But since life is all about balance your key will be to remember that what goes down must come back up again, especially if what went down was a Virgo in flight, or one too many shots of Wild Turkey.
Libra: When you get right down to it, astrology isn’t really about the Stars, it’s about you and when, exactly, you entered the world. Astrology is really just a personal map. And what your map is saying is that you should be wise about realizing who your true friends are. And then being sure not to tell them something such as, “Don’t feel so bad, a lot of people are hopeless morons.”
Scorpio: It looks as though the Stars are going to make it simple for you. All they’re asking is that you simply make life as simple, positive and flowing as possible. To help, your new mantra is: “I put the ‘x’ and the ‘cute’ in execute!”
Sagittarius: The Stars are screaming at you to find some balance in your life. So, if not for yourself, at least try to do so for them. Normally, the Stars never scream, except when they’re watching horror movies such as “Friday the 13th,” or any film starring Hugh Grant or Queen Latifah.
Capricorn: You folks are good at many things, including: keeping secrets, being prudent, being patient, being pessimistic and having a dry sense of humor. And since laughter can only make you stronger, here’s some Steven Wright: “I installed a skylight in my apartment … the people who live above me are furious!”
Aquarius: Members under this sign tend to be idealistic, which is why some people make fun of them and think them foolish. Others, meanwhile, see Aquarians as a bit odd and prone to back-stabbing, but ingenious. Nonetheless, you’ve got to dream it to achieve it and talk about them the way you want them to talk about you. Oh, and work on your sauntering.
