A fashion tip from He-Man

Throughout history, man has always had a deep and symbiotic connection with nature. In the early years, our ancestors imitated the wild beasts by wearing their furs for warmth as well as ceremonial purposes, a la the Native Americans, the Aztecs and the Brownies from the film “Willow.” They hunted because they had to, and they rocked the furry animal apparel because, well, back then it looked pretty badass. But now, in the year 2011 it seems that we may have lost our primal connection with nature. Sadly, for some of us the only exposure we have to the wild is seeing Steve Searles at Vons or perhaps Whiskey Creek’s Wild Wednesdays. Since we can no longer go outside, kill something with a spear and wear it on our heads, the people over at SpiritHoods.com came up with this solution; expensive fake dead animals to wear on your head … in public.

I don’t mean to make a big kerfuffle over this, but I don’t think I’m alone when I say that every few years a new fashion trend emerges that makes me hate wearing clothes. To my recollection it began with snap bracelets in the early nineties, followed by, in no particular order, French rolling your jeans, wallet chains, Tevas (with socks), Crocs, Ed Hardy shirts, tall-tees and now…Spirit Hoods.

Ranging from $60-$130 you can choose between a variety of fake dead animal hats; there’s owls, wolves, leopards, pandas, bears, lions, rabbits, hawks, even dogs. All of which are designed for men and women who want to appear as if they’ve forgotten to wear the other half of their mascot costume.

They’re hard to miss and it doesn’t surprise me that certain celebrities are grabbing onto this idea of a year-round Halloween. So far there’s Ke$ha (who recently Tweeted “Ke$ha LOVES Spirit Hoods!”), Khloe Kardashian, Vanessa Hudgens, Fergie and Audrina Partridge. These Dr. Moreau inspired wig-hats are the perfect attention grabbing accessory for celebrities who are barely famous or know that they have about 30 seconds of fame left on the clock.

That being said, why the hell was a Spirit Hood recently spotted on…Snoop Dogg!? I always thought these types of things were for people that said dumb sh*t like “just for shiggles,” but not the original Dog Pound Gangsta!

Worst of all, ski towns have been hit the hardest. Just last week Mammoth Lakes was punished with a flood of custom-made Spirit Hoods for the Roxy Chicken Jam. If you went up to Canyon Lodge last Saturday, you may have spotted some at the LeRoux show.

At first I thought, “Hey, what’s the big deal? They’re just some goofy looking hats. Maybe they’re for people who like to do a little peacockin’ when they go out.” But then I read this on their website, “Spirit Hoods are more than just a wild fashion accessory. They are a way through which we express ourselves and our unique fashion sensibilities, but they also symbolize a shared bond we all have with our wild natures.” Somewhere a Native American is shedding a tear. Like the dude in that ‘70s PSA crying over the garbage in the river.

Okay, this is what the website should actually say, “They are a way through which we express ourselves and our unique fashion sensibilities, but also, when paired with Ugg boots, they let others know to stay far away from your crazy ass.”

Last Saturday night, I witnessed a girl walking in the Village wearing a white snow leopard Spirit Hood. A few steps behind was her miserable boyfriend wearing a grey, soaking wet bunny rabbit on his head. It was sad. I immediately thought of poor Ralphie from the film “A Christmas Story” and his deranged pink bunny suit. Have we learned nothing from 80’s movies?

Without further ado, let’s take that classic scene from A Christmas Story and replace “Pink Bunny Suit” with “Spirit Hood.”

Scene: Christmas Morning, Living Room

Mom: Ralphie, what did Aunt Clara get you? Show everybody.

(Ralphie looking down at the Spirit Hood, looks up at his mom and shakes his head)

Ralphie: I don’t want to.

Mom: Ralphie show everybody what Aunt Clara gave you.

Ralphie’s internal monologue: Ugh, Aunt Clara has for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old but also a girl.

Mom: She always get’s you the nicest things.

(Ralphie lifts the Spirit Hood out of the box)

Mom: (covering her mouth) Oh my, isn’t that sweet! Ralph go upstairs and try it on!

Ralphie: (whining) I don’t want to.

Mom: Go upstairs right now and try on that present. She went through all trouble to get you that Spirit Hood. Now go on!

(Ralphie reluctantly walks upstairs to try on the Spirit Hood)

Mom: Ralphie! We’re waiting!

Ralphie: (from upstairs) Oh come on mom.

Mom: Right now!

(Slowly Ralphie walks down the stairs. The camera pans up revealing a bright pink Spirit Hood atop of his head)

Mom: Come down here so I can see you better.

Ralphie’s Internal Monologue: I just hoped that Flick would never spot it, as word of this humiliation could easily make Warren G. Harding School a veritable hell.

Mom: Oohhh! Isn’t that cute!? That is the most precious thing I’ve ever seen in my life!

Dad: You look like a deranged Easter bunny.

Mom: He does not!

Dad: He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare. Are you happy wearing that Spirit Hood?

(Ralphie shakes his head)

Dad: Take it OFF!

Unfortunately not everyone has a Dad like Ralphie’s to scream some commonsense into them. God willing these carcass hats are just a fleeting trend that will eventually go the way of Beenie Babies or Chumbawamba. Only time will tell.