Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Aries: To help you make the most out of this next year of your life, be willing to go the extra mile in matters of career and finance. Of course, this means you may have to take time away from your amorous or leisure activities. But that’s alright; there’ll be plenty of time for that when you’re laughing about your success almost as hard as a stoner watching reruns of the “Family Guy.”
Taurus: Your question for the week is: Do I laugh enough? If you answer “Maybe,” “I don’t know” or “Go screw yourself” it would probably behoove you to let yourself laugh more often. Unless, that is, you want to age prematurely or develop frown lines, in which case, please pull your head out of your behooving area.
Gemini: Don’t be surprised if life starts seeming like it’s some trippy version of “The Night of the Living Dead,” as the Stars say old issues will start rising up like farts in the bathtub. Your key will be to view these old issues as lessons you’re getting another chance to complete. Only this time, please don’t skip out on class just so you can go out back and smoke cigarettes with the delinquents.
Cancer: Cancerians are just the type of people Clouds crushes on. It’s because all the people of this sign really need in life is to be: needed, loved, appreciated, listened to (without being judged or advised) and regularly share states of robing or disrobing with a sweetheart. That’s why your astrological opposite is Capricorn and you match well with needy folks such as Taurus, Scorpio and Leo.
Leo: With Mercury still messing around, people are more edgy and electronics are more fickle. So this is the perfect time to show some of your famous Leo toughness. In case you forgot what that means, this quote from basketball coach Doc Rivers should help: “Toughness is somebody hitting you in the freaking face, and you’re looking at him and laughing and walking away. That’s a tough mother.”
Virgo: Since most folks, Clouds notwithstanding, are feeling cranky this month, please choose your own damn advice from the following selections: A) “Great minds talk about ideas. Small minds talk about people.” -Eleanor Roosevelt. B) “All you need is love.” -John Lennon Q) “Let the devil take tomorrow, ‘cause tonight I need a friend.” -Willie Nelson
Libra: According to writer and fellow Libra, Gore Vidal, the sweetest words in the English language are: “I told you so.” This may explain why Vidal, who had more literary success than most writers would dare dream of, is slowly coming to the end of his life, bitter, sick and lonely. The lesson here: nobody likes to have their nose rubbed in their defeats — especially when they were defeated all over the rug.
Scorpio: Studies have shown that most financial decisions are not based on rational thought, but rather on emotional response. This should help explain why the housing market looks like it got caught cheating on a sumo wrestler. To help, please remember that it’s okay to love possessions, so long as you don’t love them as much as you love the free stuff like sunshine, laughter, love and your own one-of-a-kind hot bod.
Sagittarius: Studies have shown that happy couples can talk about the following things: embarrassing moments, fears, childhood, previous relationships and movies/books. To help all of the above, try reading something from the risqué Anaïs Nin: “In love there is no because, no reason, no explanation, no solutions.”
Capricorn: Caps are aloof. So they make great thieves, politicians, escorts and point guards. While this trait has it strengths, it helps to remember that being aloof does, however, mean that you sometimes instill wariness in the eyes of others, especially when those others are cutting onions or casting votes.
Aquarius: With most folks a bit on edge right now, and since Mercury will still be messing around until the third week of April, try to keep your passionate Aquarian ways from getting too far out of control. For example, make a point to refrain, no matter how difficult it is, from saying anything such as: “Hey, if I wanted to listen to mindless chatter, I’d pass gas!”
Pisces: Fish signers have the remarkable ability of not only having their cake, but usually getting to eat it, along with a scoop of ice cream, too. To assure that you’re being open to such opportunities, make sure to give as much as you get, and for Clouds’ sake add some Cake to your life’s soundtrack: “I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity, who uses a machete to cut through red tape.”
