Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: Now that we’re in the midst of your time of year, a little self acceptance appears in order. Be advised that people under this sign are blessed with several gifts, and accepting them is the key to happiness and red-hot love. These traits include: Being sexually creative. Taking criticism the way that Roger Clemens takes the truth. Can turn their emotions from hot to cold like they’re run on a faucet. Great at meditating, especially when someone is trying to talk to you!
Leo: Creativity and sexuality go together hand-in-hand or, to be more precise, hand-on-butt-cheek. To help keep your creative visualization juices flowing and your patience meter happily ticking away, please adopt one of these as your good luck/stay cool statement: One)“I only like N.Y. as a friend.” Other One) “Smile if you’re not wearing undies!”
Virgo: Like Taurus and Capricorn, Virgo is an earth sign. Therefore, you tend to be stable, solid and steadily evolving. The weird part is that earth signs and water signs, like Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces, attract one another and usually make good mixes, even though you’d think all they’d make is mud — which, for the record, makes lousy fences, but is fun to wrestle in.
Libra: Any lessons you’ve learned about yourself recently should come in handy now. Unless, of course, you skipped out on your lessons to go grab drinks with friends, smoke cigarettes behind the cafeteria or you simply refuse to learn from your own pitfalls (a snare that sometimes snags Libras). In which case, expect some form of detention or at least a nasty hangover.
Scorpio: As Scorpios know well — but often forget — there’s nothing in the world more powerful than a positive attitude. To keep you positive in mind and spirit, here are some new conversation starters for you: 1) “Pardon me, but I couldn’t help but notice that your shorts look like they’re full of magic.” 2) “I’m like chocolate pudding. I may sometimes look like crap, but I’m always delicious.”
Sagittarius: Here is your McNugget of wisdom for this week: Sags need lots of outdoor exercise to run at their best. Therefore, remember that the best way to keep your head out of your derriere is to keep that butt bouncing around in the fresh air — which can be interpreted any way you like (wink, wink).
Capricorn: Your mantra for the week is: “I am a Superstar!” Your philosophy: “Burn the bra!” Your mode of transport: Anything but the car! Your good luck number: 28. And your get lucky line: “How about a round of Naked Leap Frog?”
Aquarius: Love can make you strong. It can make you run for cover. Love can make you weep. It can make for fun under the covers. If you want or need more love in your life, try asking for it and expecting it, just don’t ask anything such as this: “Hey there, could I interest you in seven-and-a-half minutes of love?”
Pisces: In case you have forgotten exactly what Faith is, it’s this: The courage to trust that everything that happens in life happens as it should and does so exactly as you need it to. The fact that none of it usually makes any sense just goes to show that the Heavens have a great sense of humor. Of course, that still doesn’t explain why “Desperate Housewives” is still on the television.
Aries: For some people, consciousness is just that annoying time between naps. But for you, the fiery people of this fire sign, consciousness is why you’re alive. You see, you folks need to express yourselves and explore the world the way most anorexics need a box of donuts and a hug.
Taurus: This week you’ll have an opportunity to get the next year of your career off on the right foot, so take advantage of it. A good example of how to do this would be to share one of your brilliant ideas with your boss at the company holiday party. A bad example would be to share your lunch with your boss at such a party after you’ve had one too many Mike’s Hard Lemonades.
Gemini: For the next week or so, your communication skills will be about as fuzzy as an old black and white TV with tinfoil-wrapped antenna ears. So try to keep your cool during this period by remembering that the Ass-trological Cable Guy will show up sooner or later. And if you need to blow off some steam, keep in mind that “work” is technically a four-letter word.
