Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: Whoever said, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again,” probably wouldn’t like the following statement: “If at first you don’t succeed … quit. Maybe the Universe is trying to tell you something or steer you in another direction.” Just like the way Clouds gets steered away from any rational thought and almost all clothing by the smell of cheap red wine and the sounds of Barry White. Don’t miss the message.
Leo: Your assignment for the week is to realize that it’s okay if you don’t like everybody. And it’s even more okay if some people don’t like you. You’re a Leo, after all, and you’re always naturally going to attract people. So screw the ones who treat you like crap … or, better yet, don’t!
Virgo: Your magic cities are Paris and Boston. Your magic stones are sapphires. Your magical lyric comes from G. Love and the Special Sauce: “You know that you only get stronger when your heart is achin,’ Oh Lord!” And your magic question: “What are three things members of the opposite sex like about you? And don’t say your vocabulary or how easy you are!”
Libra: The Stars are cooking up a special dish for you right now. One that is sure to include love, romance and passion. Unfortunately, they weren’t able to get Emeril Lagasse to prepare it. But Clouds has faith you can do it, so long as you remember to do what you do with enthusiasm and to occasionally holler out, “Bam!”
Scorpio: Here are your useful tidbits for the week: The warmer the feet, the better chance a woman will reach climax. The more light there is, the better chance that men, who are such visual creatures, will start to hyperventilate. And of course the most useful tidbit, the more you laugh, the better you love. If these tips don’t make you feel better about life in general, you may need to seek help from someone other than Mr. Jim Beam or Ms. Box of Blush
Sagittarius: The Stars advise you should expect the occasional déjà vu or some past life flashbacks over the next few weeks. The key will be not to let these panic you, instead try to listen and accept to the lessons the Universe is attempting to teach you; unless you’re flashing back to some embarrassing incident from Junior High, in which case remember that history is subject to interpretation and that all scars, including psychological ones, are sexy
Capricorn: Your assignment for the week is to release worry, show doubt the door and give a fear a bitch slap. To help you complete this trifecta, try making this your new mantra: “Nothing can stop me now! Although something scantily clad may slow me down for a while.”
Aquarius: Clouds has been giving this sign a lot of thought recently. You are such a unique and independent ass-tological breed. After much mental wrestling, Clouds has decided to make the following proclamations: Aquarians are control freaks on ecstasy. They are like the love children of Monk and Jenna Jamison. Now that we’ve cleared this up, Clouds recommends that you don’t change one bit; just soften up a tad.
Pisces: The only thing that can make a Pisces happy is him or herself, unless you suffer from a split personality, in which case you’re both going to have to pitch in. Therefore, try doing something positive and healing for your soul this week. Just make sure it doesn’t include getting intoxicated, incarcerated or accidentally impregnated.
Aries: The good news is that the Stars say both love and money are headed your way. The bad news is that nothing in life is free, except for The Sheet, cooties and sunshine. The other news is that the key to any healthy relationship is no French kissing before 9 a.m., unless you’ve both just used some Listerine.
Taurus: The thing about bulls is that they tend to find a pasture they like, a place they feel is safe and bountiful, and then they seldom move on. Therefore, your assignment for the week is to imagine you’re ideal pasture and to remember that a wise bull doesn’t run down the hill chasing after one goal, but rather walks down and accomplishes them all!
Gemini: With summer in full swing, Clouds has a few easy-to -emember suggestions for making the most of this warm time of the year. 1.) Avoid tan lines whenever possible. 2.) Avoid can lines whenever possible. 3.) Be sure you don’t let the Loudmouth Soup make an ass out of you in mixed company; save that crap for family.
