Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Pisces: This next year promises to be one filled with luck, personal growth and optimism. It’s also a year in which you should work on eating healthier and getting more exercise. To make sure you grow spiritually, and not just too big for your jeans, your new mantra is: “Age is only important if you’re cheese or wine.”
Aries: With the country still in the throes of recession, the most popular ways Americans are trying to save money is by “brown-bagging it” for lunch and going longer between haircuts. Therefore, Clouds reminds all you soggy sandwich-eating, shaggy-headed miracles that fresh air, sunshine and love are all free and abundant. Love just sometimes charges extra for a happy ending.
Taurus: The next few weeks will continue to light up your social candle like a blowtorch. To help you make the most of this, network your butt off and dress for success. This means that whatever you do you shouldn’t wear your “pajama jeans,” or anything that could be construed as a “Snuggie” or “Hoddie-Footies” outside of the house!
Gemini: The biggest distinction between a chicken and an eagle isn’t their differences in appearance, their ability to fly or how they taste fried, but rather how they hold their heads. Chickens heads hang low, always looking down, and are the symbols of a dead, rich guy who always wore white suits. Eagles, on the other hand, hold their heads high, look up and soar, and are symbolic of the best kick-butt nation in the world!
Cancer: Sometimes you Cancers carry a little black cloud around, much like Pigpen from Peanuts. Therefore, your words of wisdom for this week will come from a fellow Cancerian known for being clean, Milton Berle: “If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.”
Leo: The Stars remind you that there’s a reason opposites exist. It’s to balance things out. Do keep this in mind then next time you get screwed over or wonder why you have enemies. These things are there to help keep your success anchored, and give you a reason to release stress by occasionally pummeling the crap out of your voodoo dolls.
Virgo: You may be feeling as though life has been overly challenging recently, or basically as Clouds’ hero, Dave Barry, puts it, “The typical video game involves controlling a little man who runs around the screen trying to stay alive while numerous powerful and inexplicably hostile forces try to kill him; in other words, it’s exactly like life, and whenever I play, the little man becomes highly suicidal.” Therefore, go outside to play more often and re-read Dave’s quote.
Libra: This weekend’s full moon demands that you take some much needed R & R (that’s rest and relaxation, for you non-military types). Regardless of your military affiliation, the following line should help you find someone to go on leave with: “Wow, you must be a General, because as soon as I saw you, my privates snapped to attention.”
Scorpio: Your anti-beauty tip for the week comes from supermodel turned Oprah wannabe, Tyra Banks: “If you want to feel and look more attractive, try using only candlelight.” And your real beauty tip will come from someone who sees the supermodel in everyone, Clouds McCloud: “If you want to feel and look more attractive, pretend Clouds is looking at you and wants to pour hot candle wax all over your gorgeous bod.”
Sagittarius: Your element: fire. Your opposite sign: Gemini. You make great philosophers and teachers. Your lucky day is Thursday and your new good luck saying is: “Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.”
Capricorn: It looks as though this weekend’s full moon will have you feeling adventurous. In case you’d like to round up somebody with which to go on an adventure, the following line might help: “Excuse me, but you must be wearing space pants, because your booty is out of this world.”
Aquarius: This is an air sign and its quality is fixed. Aquarians find love easily with Sagittarians, but with Leos it’s easily nixed. Fellow Aquarian Neil Diamond sings the latest edition to your soundtrack: “Funny thing, but you can sing it with a cry in your voice. And before you know, you start feeling good. You simply got no choice. Song sung blue, everybody knows one.”
