Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Pisces: Since karma’s as real as a jackhammer, your role model for the next year is the Nation of Islam in America. You see, they have a “no backstabbing” policy. You are only allowed to say negative things about another person to that person’s face. Therefore, your b-day present is to not tolerate any more backstabbing in your life. Front-stabbing using your face, fingers or special love stabbing tool is recommended.
Aries: The U.S. Postal Service has announced that they will now only deliver mail five days a week. Since your challenge for the month is to not only deliver any work related stuff on time, but in far better shape than the postal service does, your non-sequitur for the week comes from fellow Aries, David Letterman: “I don’t trust any mail you don’t lick.”
Taurus: With March being a great month for you to socialize and network, here are a couple of lines to help start up a conversation: 1.) Did you know that (insert odd statistic — such as “Barbie’s real name is Barbara Millicent Roberts” — here)? Well you do now. No need to thank me. Dos.) Excuse me, but I’m with the Sphincter Police, and it appears you’re squeezing yours too tightly.
Gemini: Earlier this week, supermodel/classic Gemini, Naomi Campbell was once again accused of beating up on someone who didn’t do things the way she wanted them done. To help her, and you, remember that there are reasons and consequences to everything you do, here’s a quote from supermodel Linda Evangelista: “It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I would be a teacher.”
Cancer: With your work life falling under the “stress” category this month, be sure to keep your cool, be professional and follow this advice from the movie Run, Fatboy, Run: “Please keep your hands out of the scrotal zone while working.”
Leo: Clouds’ new favorite song is a toe-tapping little country ditty, “Chicken Fried” by the Zac Brown Band. Since dreams are about to start tapping at your door, find a similar song to help make a warm welcome. “There’s no dollar sign on a piece of mind, this I’ve come to know. So if you agree, take a drink with me and raise your glasses for a toast. To a little bit of chicken fried and cold beer on Friday night, a pair of jeans that fit just right and the radio on.”
Virgo: Since your personal life this month will be soaring and additions to your life are probable, here’s a line that should help you procreate: “Let’s play ‘Carpenter.’ First we’ll get hammered and then we’ll nail each other.”
Libra: It looks as though March will be challenging on both the home and family fronts. To help you get through it, try not to make any big decisions until the very end of the month and try not to say anything such as, “On one hand, I can see what you’re saying. On the other, I’m flipping you the bird!”
Scorpio: Your work life for the next few weeks may be a bit bumpy. Therefore, to help you become more shock absorbent, be sure to avoid any power plays and be ready to dodge any blame thrown your way — unless you deserve some blame, in which case stand up and take it like a man/woman/adult and don’t run away from it screaming like a little boy/girl/pansy.
Sagittarius: With just a few weeks of winter left, Clouds thought this would be a good time for you to add a new bumper sticker to your life. Therefore, please choose from the following: “Those who live by the sword usually get shot by those who don’t.” “Honk if you love peace and quiet!” “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it!”
Capricorn: Members of this sign tend to be very ambitious people who are, quite frankly, at their best when chasing an ambition … so long as they’re not doing so at any cost, such as family, physical health or chances to cuddle naked. Therefore, your words of wisdom will come from fellow Cap, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr: “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.”
Aquarius: The Stars warn that arguments with neighbors and relatives are likely this month. So find the power to walk away and to avoid saying anything such as: “It’s not that I don’t hear you, it’s just that I don’t speak jackass.”
