Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Pisces: In honor of fellow Pisces, famous bassist, Phil Lesh turning 70, all of this week’s Horrorscopes will be Grateful Dead related. And since Phil’s celebrating his birthday by doing a concert to benefit the people of Haiti, Clouds thinks you should follow in his footsteps and celebrate your birthday by helping somebody else; “Wake up now, and discover that you are the song that the morning brings.” (Which helps make up for your morning breath.)
Aries: Singing out loud makes the soul feel better. Therefore, try singing, in the shower, car, hall closet or into you favorite hippy dancing partner’s ear, something like: “If mercy’s in business I wish it for you. More than just ashes when your dreams come true.”
Taurus: Your role model for the week is Bill Kreutzmann, drummer for the Grateful Dead and Taurus. Bill basically says the only reason he’s ever done anything worthwhile in life is because he’s simply enjoyed doing it. Therefore, be sure to focus more on your own happy endings this week, even if you have to pay extra for them.
Gemini: Twin signers are usually excellent communicators. It’s just sometimes they forget to communicate with themselves about their big goals. To help keep you on track, try not to think of the past as just a “long, strange trip” and add some Uncle John to your soundtrack: “Well the first days are the hardest days, don’t you worry anymore, because when life looks like Easy Street there is danger at your door.”
Cancer: Your good advice for the week comes from fellow Cancerian and Grateful Dead lyricist Robert Hunter: “In wickedness of pride is lost the light to understand how little grace is earned and how much given.” Your questionable advice, from Tennessee Jed, “Drink all day and rock all night. The law come to get you if you don’t walk right.”
Leo: With many Leos finally beginning to come out of their shells this month, Jerry fellow Leo Garcia will sing your soundtrack: “Let my inspiration flow … While the firelights aglow, strange shadows from the flames will grow. ‘Til things we’ve never seen will seem familiar.”
Virgo: Please pick your own advice for the week from the following quotes, courtesy of fellow Virgo Mickey Hart: A) “Life is about rhythm. We vibrate, our hearts are pumping blood. We are a rhythm machine.” C) “There’s nothing like music to relieve the soul and uplift it.” ID) “I fully intend to follow my weird.”
Libra: Last week, Clouds was told by a Libra that Libras are the best people. Since none of us are perfect, and since Libras have insecurity levels to balance the heights of their hubris, here’s something from a classic Libra, Bob Weir: “My time coming any day, don’t worry about me, no. It’s gonna be just like they say, them voices tell me so.”
Scorpio: To make sure Scorpios are enjoying this gift of life, and since laughing helps us do so, here’s some Scorpio-style humor from fellow sign-mate, the Grateful Dead keyboardist, Brent Mydland. Al Franken: “So what’s it like to be the newest member of the Grateful Dead?” Brent: “ A lot of people ask you what it’s like to be the newest member of the Grateful Dead.”
Sagittarius: The new moon this week ushers good luck into your home life, so be sure to add the following Grateful Dead lyrics to your life’s soundtrack: “Since it costs a lot to win, and even more to lose. You and me about to spend some time just wondering which to choose. Goes to show, you don’t ever know. Watch each card you play and play it slow.”
Capricorn: Saint Stephen is considered to be the prototypical Christian martyr. The first man to really have the “cahones” to speak out against the injustices he saw. Of course, he got stoned to death. But the world still celebrates his life each Dec. 26. Whatever you do this week, don’t get so stoned that you can’t remember this: “Talk about your plenty. Talk about your ills. One man gathers what another man spills.”
Aquarius: Communication difficulties have finally come to an end. So it’s a good time to open-mindedly tackle some issues that have been nagging you. To help, refrain from saying anything such as: 1) You must be higher than the crowd at a Phil and Friends show! 2) That idea stinks worse than Jerry Garica’s beard after a concert! 3) The only person dumber than you is whoever told Bob Weir he looks good in short-shorts!
