Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Sagittarius: In Germany, it is considered proper to take at least a half a day off for your birthday. Therefore, in honor of the wise old Krauts (they have mastered making beer and sausage products) your assignment is to take at least one “me day” this month and to practice up on your German: “Eins, Zwei, Drei, G’Suffa!”

Capricorn: As the old commercial goes, “You’re cooking with Crisco now,” which is great news, unless you’re sunbathing. What this really means is that your work life will be running smoothly — so long as you are extra thorough and stay humble. As success begins to fall upon you like fresh snowflakes, please remember to thank those who helped you get on top, especially if one of them is still glad to be on the bottom.

Aquarius: Communication and relationships should start to be as smooth for you as a Super Model’s thighs, but hopefully much fuller and juicier. To help assure things go as smoothly as possible: be sure to think good thoughts, apply plenty of moisturizer and remember that “You suck” is not considered constructive criticism.

Pisces: The Stars say money will be coming your way just in time for the holidays. So remember to keep Karma in mind when you get rewarded and be sure to give plenty — just not to foolish proportions. The last thing you want to do is piss Karma off, because the first thing Karma usually does when it gets angry is bare its teeth to your Dogma.

Aries: It’s always good to take some time out to practice loving and healing yourself. Just be sure to close the blinds next time, or least hang a hat in the window as a warning. Your good luck colors are camouflage and candy cane red.

Taurus: Besides being an immature ass-trologer, Clouds is also an amateur psycho-logist. Therefore Clouds would like to drop a little dime-store knowledge on you this week: You may seriously need a day off, suffer from too much paranoia or have had more than your limit of spiked eggnog if you start thinking the classic Christmas carol goes, “Santa Claus is coming … to get me!”

Gemini: According to people who keep odd statistics, May 22 is the least popular day of the year to be born. This helps explain why Gemini is one of the least populous signs and why Geminis often have multiple personalities, which tend to be dishonest with one another. Therefore, your new mission is to have the cojones to examine some of your secrets and to look up the slang word “cojones” if you don’t know what it means.

Cancer: Seeing as how Cancerians tend to occasionally suffer from bouts of being subversive control freaks, your advice for the week comes from a remark once made by a man who never told a lie. As Honest Abe Lincoln once advised: “When you have got an elephant by the hind leg and he is trying to run away, it’s best to let him run.”

Leo: Some say it’s best to live each day as if it were your last. But all this really does is assure that you’ll be right at least once in your life. Of course, being right can be seriously overrated, especially if you’re married. To help, add this to your life’s soundtrack: “I ain’t often right, but I never been wrong. Seldom turns out the way it does in the song. Once and a while you get shone the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right.”

Virgo: Now that Mercury has turned retrograde, expect things to move with the clarity of the last people to leave a keg party. Therefore, right now would be the perfect time to expect minor snafus, to duct tape your mouth shut when necessary and to please remember, as always, that life is way too short to drink crappy beer.

Libra: Your lucky number is 9. Your get lucky line is: “If you’ll be the bread, I’ll be the fluffernutter.” And your lucky advice for the week comes from fellow larger-than-life Libra, Tommy Lasorda: “Don’t bitch. 98% of people don’t care about your problems. The other 2% are glad you got ‘em.”

Scorpio: There’s no reason why you can’t have love and happiness in your life. Actually, that’s not true. There is one reason — and it’s you. If you don’t want or aren’t open to such things, then you won’t get them. Although this reasoning doesn’t apply to STDs or LOLs.