Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Aries: Last week, a New Jersey McDonald’s customer got so frustrated about how long it was taking to make his Filet-o-Fish that he crawled into the restaurant through the drive-thru window. He then found the person making his sandwich, slapped him and walked back out to his truck, meal in hand. The lesson here is twofold: Just like everything else in life, time is a matter of perspective. And, never let fried fish get the better of you.

Taurus: Your new role model for the week is a woman in Toyko who’s begun doing cheerleading routines in front of train stations in an attempt to help cheer people up about the economy. Therefore, your assignment is to do something similar to help inspire humanity. Since most humans are a lot like Clouds, just having you dress up in a cheerleader’s outfit (regardless of your gender) is sure to make folks feel better.

Gemini: Earlier this week, the family of Minnesota Twins Outfielder Denard Span went to a game to watch him play, presumably to apologize for giving him such a strange first name. Anyway, Denard wound up hitting a foul ball into the stands where his family was sitting, beaning his mom. Therefore, in case you forgot what love is really all about, sometimes it’s as simple as taking a foul ball to the noodle.

Cancer: April is going to be an odd, but fulfilling month. You’ll be busy socially, but still able to work on yourself. Still, there’ll be a bit of an edge to everything, so hit your inner “pause” button before letting your lips utter anything such as: “I know what sign you were born under: Slow Kids at Play!”

Leo: The Stars are ordering you to get your financial life in order this month. So don’t be surprised about any change in employment. They’re also telling you to watch what you say as your words could float to others, especially if you say something along the lines of, “I’m surprised no one calls him ‘Syrup,’ since he’s such a ‘Sap.’”

Virgo: It looks as though you’ll be feeling a bit out of balance this month. To help you find your equilibrium, carve out some regular “me” time, some quality “outdoor” time and some time to quietly pretend you’re ramming the heads of those driving you crazy against a doorframe, while silently calling them “doorknobs!”

Libra: Since the relationship struggles that have been plaguing your sign are set to do a 180 this month, prepare for this mind-blowing next stage by adding a little ‘80s music to your soundtrack. From fellow Libra, Daryl Hall (of Oates fame), “What I want you got but it might be hard to handle. Like the flame that burns the candle … Well, well, well you (ooh ooh) you make-a my dreams come true!”

Scorpio: Since Scorpios like to give advice a lot more than they like to get it, here are your advice tips for the week: 1) Two wrongs make a u-turn. 2)“I forgot” isn’t an answer; it’s an excuse. 3) Love is the only reason to do anything.

Sagittarius: A close relationship may come to a close during this topsy-turvy month. Of course, as one door closes, a new or old one opens. To help you keep your karma clean during this time, promise to only think, but never say, anything resembling the following: “If I were as ugly as you, I wouldn’t say ‘Hi’ to folks, I’d say ‘BOO!’”

Capricorn: It looks as though April will bring some challenges to the home front. To help you get through it, don’t jump to any quick conclusions or decisions. Be sure to partake in some kind of stress regular stress relief. And try to avoid saying, “Hi there. I’m a human being. What are you?”

Aquarius: Studies have shown that sleeping has a direct correlation to cognitive abilities. Basically, the more you sleep the smarter you’ll be. Since the Stars are telling you to be extremely cautious with your finances this month, it’ll be as good a time to catch up on sleep. After all, sleeping is free, and so are most forms of lovemaking.

Pisces: An Orange County woman was recently found guilty of stealing breast implants. Apparently, she used a fake name and line of credit to pay for her surgery. This just goes to show something most Pisces already know: Whenever you try to lie or cheat people, the only one who winds up looking like a big boob is you!