Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Taurus: There are people out there who say that the key to a happy, healthy relationship is as simple as regularly holding hands and being able to share embarrassing stories. Of course, people who give (and follow) such advice are what we call “enlightened,” “beloved” and “well-laid.”

Gemini: Most Geminis are currently in the midst of a quest. And it turns out what you’re searching for is the core of the real you. Since this task can be as scary as trying to run through a 350-pound offensive lineman, your words of wisdom come from pro football star, fellow Gemini, Ricky Williams: “The good thing about being lost is that it gives you an opportunity to be found.”

Cancer: Apparently, the best medicine known to man has never been studied by the Food and Drug Administration. It turns out the FDA is too busy okaying Prozac, Vicodin and Viagra to test the effects of simply smiling. A good smile does more good for the body, mind and soul than a bucket full of pills. Therefore, your new bumper sticker: “Pop jelly beans, Junior Mints or pissy attitudes, not pills.”

Leo: Sooner or later, all good things do come to an end, but that’s only because all good things aren’t selfish and know they’re only allowed so much time before they should move on to make room for some new good things. This is yet another reason why it’s a good idea to always wear clean underwear, because you never know when your next good thing is going to buy you a drink at the bar.

Virgo: For Virgos, the sweetest words they can ever utter are: “I told you so.” Followed by “I love you,” “Let’s cuddle,” and “What’s for dinner?” To help you be as loving — and lovable — as possible, try adding a line such as this to your favorites: “I appreciate you for who you are, even when you’re acting like a total tool.”

Libra: Dear Libras, Clouds can hear your struggles. But just like a diaper rash, an Angels losing streak and a politician’s promises, this too shall pass. So add a song from fellow Libra, Ani Di Franco, to your soundtrack: “Am I heading for the same brick wall? Is there anything I can do about anything at all? Except to go back to that corner in Manhattan and dig deeper. Dig deeper this time … beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel there’s a fire just waiting for fuel.”

Scorpio: Since things are on the upturn for Scorpios, this would be a good time to add a new bumper sticker to your car or bike. Here are a few possibilities: “Sarcasm: Just one more service I offer.” “If God didn’t want us to eat animals, He wouldn’t have made them taste so good.” “Will trade good sex for great beer.”

Sagittarius: Sags are known for being “Now People,” as in, “Please me, Now,” “Meet me, Now,” and “Don’t make me turn my ‘Time to Kick Butt’ clock to ‘Now!’” So it would seem only natural that the Stars would ask you to work on patience. Therefore, Clouds would like you turn “NOW” into the following acronym: “Nomad Ordering Whooppee!”

Capricorn: Just like Justin Timberlake, male Humpback whales sing to attract mates. Unfortunately, sometimes they attract the Britney Spears’s of the sea. Therefore, to help hedge your bets, if you serenade someone this week (a very good idea) don’t sing something such as the J. Geils Band classic, “Love Stinks.”

Aquarius: May would be a smart month to spend your money wisely, or not spend it at all. Therefore, before buying anything, wonder aloud, “If I buy this, will I need a Proctologist to find my head?”

Pisces: Greeks are known for founding the Olympics, their creative use of olives and having hairy chests — regardless of gender or age. They’re also known for being terrific at judiciously saying “no” when they think something won’t turn out in their favor. Therefore, your assignment is to act like you’ve got a little Greek in you and say “no” when you need to … for instance, when someone asks to wax your chest.

Aries: A guy named Keith from New York recently broke the world record for carrying a pool cue on his finger by walking five miles. Please use his feat as way to be more open-minded towards others. You know, try walking a mile in his shoes. Looks as though he’s a size 9.