Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Taurus: The Stars are reporting that your power to charm the pants off just about anybody is being turned up to “Full Pant-less.” Therefore, don’t be surprised if people start walking around in their socks and a smile around you. And feel free to respond to any unwanted pickup line with a line like, “I’m sure in some culture you’d be considered normal. Just not mine.”

Gemini: Since you’re still in the midst of a balancing act between home and work, Clouds would like to remind you to be mindful of your impact on others. Try to make your impact positive, not something that will induce years of therapy. Your new mantra is: “I am at one with my duality!”

Cancer: With Mercury turning direct again, it looks like your social life should pick up significantly. To help you make the most of any important new connections these social activities will bring your way, make this your new mantra: “My intuition pretty much makes up for my lack of good judgment.”

Leo: A new study has found that working more than 10 hours a day is bad for your health. Luckily, the Stars want to bring more balance, and joy to your life, so long as you are willing to accept it. Therefore, your anti-mantra for the week comes from musician John Legend: “Maybe I should rob somebody, so we could live like Whitney and Bobby.”

Virgo: The Stars are asking you to think twice before you do or say anything major right now. After all, giving yourself some time to think and let your emotions die down can be the biggest difference between a regret and an asset. So please take a second before saying anything like, “I’d like to do things with you that are illegal in Arkansas!”

Libra: Libras have just entered a stage of money luck. Your lucky numbers are 6 and 9 (combine them and be truly lucky!). The latest edition to your soundtrack comes from Big Head Todd, who played in Mammoth a couple of summers ago: “Heaven could be any place. Why not here?” Your lucky line is: “People call me ‘Candy Pants.’ But you can call me later.”

Scorpio: It looks like you’re entering a stage in life where new friends will be coming and old ones moving on. So please be careful with any secrets you’re holding and don’t be surprised to hear yourself mumble: “I’m grateful that I’m not as judgmental as all those self-righteous, closed-minded, self-centered, unforgiving bastards around me.

Sagittarius: The Stars are urging you to be patient right now. Keep your outer life in check, while allowing your inner life to make realizations like “I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all.” Or “Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step — blaming my parents.”

Capricorn: In the language of Bemba the word for love is “Ndikufuna.” In Cambodian it’s “Bon sro lanh oon.” In Creole, it’s “Mi aime jou.” In any language, love and humor are closely linked, which is why one often leads to another as in: “Excuse me, but my magic watch says you’re not wearing any pants. It must be running an hour too fast again.”

Aquarius: A local Aquarian complained that last week’s Horrorscopes were too serious. Therefore, here’s something as serious as “global warming,” or is it “global climate change,” or perhaps it’s “global weather wackiness,” or maybe the Meteorologists all just really suck. Whatever we call it, that’s what it becomes. So why don’t you start calling things out like, “I’m rich!” “I’m happy!” “I’ve got the sex drive of a teenager on Viagra and Red Bull!”

Pisces: Here are your daily affirmations for the week: 1) All of me is beautiful and worthy of love, even the mean, moronic and nasty parts!” 2) “When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But it’s not nearly as gratifying.” III) “The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”

Aries: Most Aries are probably wrestling with their usual urge to run right now. But it looks like you’d be best suited to wait until summer to do that, and instead settle for a short jog or sprint away to someplace fun for a mini-vacation. Lone Pine is awfully nice this time of year. So is Clouds’ lap.