The “Beer-Tech” renaissance

Mammoth Brewing’s Sean and Joyce Turner at last year’s swag-filled Bluesapalooza. (File Photo)

Big beer companies love inventing new swag, but do they actually LOVE beer?

Kicking back in my Miller Lite inflatable lounger, I started to think about the importance of acting on a good idea. You see, back in 1991, my sister and I put tomato sauce and cheese on a bagel and invented the first pizza bagel. The after school snack was revolutionary and all of our friends loved them. But a few years later I saw a commercial with the jingle, “Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time. When you have pizza on a bagel you can have pizza anytime.” Damn it. I learned right then and there that without cultivation, great ideas are either lost or stolen.

I’ll never forgive Bagel Bites for stealing our idea. That’s why when you come up with something brilliant, you need to get it out to the masses no matter how stupid it seems, and no one understands this sense of urgency better than the beer industry. This country was built on stupid ideas (The Loud N’ Clear, Snuggies, the Electoral College). But it seems like with the big beer corporations there’s no such thing as a bad idea, and as of late there’s no shortage of stinkers and eurekas.

In fact, if I had a hot tub time machine I think it would be safe to say that Leonardo Da Vinci would agree that we are currently living in the next renaissance. Miller Coors (merger in 2008) and Bud Light have supposedly improved every facet of enjoying our favorite beverage, be it a smoother pour, can-bottle hybrids, temperature indicators, vented wide mouths, insulating liners, houses made out of beer, the More Taste League, vortex bottles, and even harnessing the elusive technology of windows.

It’s obvious that these innovations do nothing to enhance the taste of your beer. In fact, they are more than likely designed so that you don‘t taste your beer ( just bong it down your gullet, while your friends look on and cheer). So, the question is: are the big companies selling actual beer or just gimmicks?

What about the companies that actually want you to taste their product? Where’s the microbrew-ovations? Even Sam Adams, which claims to be the little guy in the big beer market, recently released a specialized, laser-etched glass that supposedly helps trap delicious aromas.

Why is the beer-aissance only happening with the big breweries? I don’t know, I didn’t go to beer college. However, according to a 2009 documentary, “Beer Wars,” Americans spent $97 billion in 2008 on beer. Of that amount, 78 percent of it was spent on three companies: Coors, Anhueser Busch and Miller. The craft beer industry only makes up a measly 5 percent of the beer market. So how can they possibly compete with the big three, who spent a combined $1.5 billion in 2008 on advertising? Even Yogurt from the film Space Balls understood the importance of “mmmerchaaandizing.”

It’s called flavor. Don’t tell me you can taste the difference between Coors Light, Bud Light and Miller Light … it’s impossible. Craft breweries are surviving on an ancient adage that relies on taste rather than technology. And they’re not just surviving they’re steadily growing while the big brewers are declining. So if they’re doing so well, where’s all the micro-merch? I decided to ask an expert … Sean Turner, owner of Mammoth Brewing Company:

With all the new packaging that’s come out it seems like presentation is more important than ever. Yeah it is. This summer were adding a new silkscreen label to some of our bottles. That adds about 30 cents per bottle. It’s expensive but I think people will like it. We’re also creating new carved handles for our Golden Trout beer. Things such as neon signs cost about $300. I’ve chosen not to go that way. I think there are better ways to spend your money.

But how do I know your beer is cold? Hah, the bear’s balls will turn blue. Please quote me on that.

Thanks, I will! Have you ever considered designing a bottle that makes you drink the beer slower? Like a reverse vortex? Or a small mouth can? There’s actually something to that. We want people to enjoy our beer and we also want people to buy our beer. We purposely lowered the alcohol in Long Hammer, Golden Trout and our Amber, so you won’t get too hammered, and you can enjoy more than one.

What can craft breweries do ( in terms of beer-tech) to keep up with the bigger companies? There’s a law that actually prohibits a brewery from giving away any merchandise that is worth over 25 cents to purchase or $3 to sell. It’s an important law, because it keeps the Bud Lights of the world from swooping into a region and flooding it with merchandise. I’m not saying we don’t do any gimmicks. We do. Probably one of our best pieces of swag is our bottle cap magnets. They’re cheap and people like ‘em. Also, our IPA 395 t-shirts are a big seller. But I don’t think we need to do that much gimmicky stuff. I’d rather spend those dollars on making great beer.

Cheaper, watery beers such as Keystone are doing very well right now. How are the smaller beer companies doing during this economy? Craft breweries are actually doing well. Beer is an affordable luxury. It’s interesting because across the market sales on high end beers (which are considered cases that sell for more than $45 on up) are actually doing great. Our best selling beer is our IPA 395 which goes for $60 a case. I think the reason it’s doing well is because it just tastes good. Here’s a quote  I heard once, “If I asked you to go into a liquor store and find the most expensive bottle of wine, it would cost you around $100. If I asked you to pick out the most expensive beer it would be around $15. Beer is cheap and people want something that tastes good.

What do you think about the new Sam Adams glass? Does that even work? It does! It’s not a gimmick. In Europe if you go to a bar an order a hefeweizen and they’re out of “hefe” glasses, they won’t serve it to you. It’s kind of an unwritten law. But the Sam Adams glass works, it traps the aromas. At Bluesapalooza we only serve our beer from glass containers.

What can we expect from all the vendors this year at Bluesapalooza? Don’t get me wrong, you’re going to see a lot of swag. That’s expected. But I’m excited about the Sunday Morning Hangover Party. We booked Dave Mason for it and now we’re officially a three-day event. We’re also adding a booth for our yeast supplier, White Labs, which is doing a  “Beer for Boobs” booth. It’s for raising breast cancer awareness.

After I talked to Sean, I felt like I’d been bitch-slapped across the face with a huge Bud Light foam hand. The bigger beer companies don’t seem to care if you taste their beer. They just  want you to chug their suds and in massive quantities.

You know, maybe we are in a second renaissance, but not of merchandising … no, this one’s about actual taste. While the big breweries try their damnedest so that you don’t taste their beer, the microbreweries try their hardest to make sure you do. Sure, festivals such as Bluesapalooza have lots of swag, but as Sean said, that’s not the point.

Wait, do you think maybe they’ll have inflatable MBC chairs? It seems my Miller Lite lounger’s just isn’t holding air.