Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: The best way to change your life is to change the way you think about life in general. Geminis are famous for being mercurial, so change comes slowly. Be patient with yourself and focus on changing your bad habits. No one likes a smoking, drinking, pill-popping, opinionated, bigot. But enough about Rush Limbaugh …
Cancer: This sign is known for being consistently inconsistent, and this week you may feel consistently constrained. So fellow Cancer Cindy Lauper has some advice to help you avoid the abyss of depression: “You always have to remember, no matter what you’re told, that God loves all the flowers, even the wild ones that grow on the side of the highway.”
Leo: The crowds will clamor for your attention this week and you might even be subject to some President Obama-style paparazzi moments. To keep some perspective, remember the words of fellow Leo, El Presidente, “The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife.”
Virgo: You may display the demure exterior of a wallflower, but inside you there’s a James/Jane Bond ready to take on Dr. Evil. Courage will be flowing from the stars, so whether it’s saving the world from an elaborate nuclear explosive or just rescuing your neighbor’s cat from a tree, pick your crusade wisely and take the time to channel your inner Austin Powers by repeating after Clouds: “Yeah, baby, yeah!”
Libra: Life is about finding balance. You can have periods of frenzied activity followed by an impressively lazy, sloth-filled stretch. You can be warm and compassionate and a big, mean bully. The Stars say it’s nearly time for you to go big or go home. Besides, if you’re going to fail you might as well do it with it flare. Plus, excuses are like cell phones … everybody’s got one.
Scorpio: Being the only sign represented by multiple symbols, Scorpios have the unique opportunity to embody the worst part of the sign, the Gray Lizard, or ascend beyond the Scorpion to the best part, the Eagle. You may be feeling a rare contentment right now, but don’t get complacent. The stars say you need to shed some light on your inner lizard in order to let your eagle soar. To help, remember this line from the Eagles: “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.”
Sagittarius: Even when you feel completely clueless, rest assured there’s an answer to every question you have. Unfortunately, the answers don’t always come in the same form, and they seem to be as timely as a flight out of Iceland. The closest thing to easy answers are Horrorscopes, and at best they’re nothing more than a nudist’s Rubik’s Cube of insight into the Abyss.
Capricorn: In the game of life, Caps are the tortoise destined to win the race; slow-but-sure while the Bugs Bunny-types run around in aimless circles. But you’ve been taking on some hare-like qualities lately, haven’t you? Blaming life for distracting you with its oh-so-tempting TV, fast food and cheap watches. It’s time to take some personal responsibility, get back on track and make that left turn at Albuquerque.
Aquarius: On the outside, you’re a realist, but let’s be honest – your heart belongs to chaos. Therefore, your motto for the week comes from fellow Aquarian Yoko Ono: “We’ve been filled with great treasure for one purpose: to be spilled.”
Pisces: Here are your reasons to laugh this week. 1) It’s good for you. 2) It’s the only way to shoot milk out of your nose. 6) Rush Limbaugh once said, “Exercise freaks are the ones putting stress on the healthcare system.”
Aries: They say nothing heals like an apology. Clouds says nothing heals like red-hot make up sex. Aries tend to be argumentative and stubborn, so apparently they understand a thing or 12 about make up sex; particularly, that sometimes — as much as it pains Clouds to admit this — the fight just ain’t worth the lovin’. Keep this in mind while disrobing.
Taurus: This week, the world is your oyster and you don’t have to explain to anyone why you’d rather make stew than eat it on the half shell. You know how things should be, and we’ll all be better for the actions you take. Just remember, with great power comes great responsibility and that victory, much like accepting your figure, is always a work in progress.
