Horrorscopes

By Clouds McCloud

Gemini: In honor of the passing of one of the most successful, inspirational and humble people to ever walk or dribble a basketball on this Earth, this week’s Horrorscopes will include sayings from the late, legendary Coach John Wooden. And since it appears as though this week is the perfect time to start a new fast break in your life, your advice is: “Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.”

Cancer: You lot have just entered a period of great change. So for the next few months don’t be surprised if aspects of your life get turned inside out or upside down, or even fall to the wayside like your clothes just before making whoopee. In those events, remember what Coach Wooden said, “Adversity is the state in which man mostly easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then.”

Leo: All the things Leos have been working hard, striving and getting their butts kicked for during the last few years are about to present themselves with grace and frequency, so long as Leos can stay positive, humble, open and grateful. That’s why your quote from the über-successful Coach Wooden is: “It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.”

Virgo: A few local Scorpios were recently debating about whether they liked Virgos better than Libras, or vice versa. The good news is that the Scorpios selected Virgos first, hands down. The bad news is that Scorpios tend to be lousy judges of character. Therefore, try listening to Coach Wooden instead of the rest of us: “Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out.”

Libra: John Wooden was a Libra. He had the quiet confidence and innate ability to get people to work together that marks all great Libras. He also had nice hair and a great smile like Libras do. He also understood the real Libra path to happiness: “You can’t live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you.”

Scorpio: Your role model for the week is fellow Scorpio, famous basketball player and exceptionally tall Dead Head, Bill Walton. When his children were younger, Walton used to write down sayings from his favorite coach and put them in his kids’ lunches. Therefore, your assignment is to follow in Walton’s rather large footsteps and write down things such as the following from Coach Wooden: “Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

Sagittarius: This should be a great week for Sags. Old relationships will go smoothly, your social life will be a-buzz and you might meet someone who’ll change your life for the better. Just don’t let a cranky boss spoil your trip. Instead of saying, “screw off,” try going with the flow. As Coach Wooden said, “You can’t let praise or criticism get to you. It’s a weakness to get caught up in either one.”

Capricorn: Your weird luck quote for the week comes from Clouds: “Misery and self pity, much like Herpes and the stomach flu, are contagious. So don’t spread it, don’t get it and don’t blame it on whomever you were fooling around with.” Your good luck quote for the week comes from none other than Coach Wooden: “What you are as a person is far more important that what you are as a basketball player.”

Aquarius: The Stars report that good luck in love and career are getting slam dunked into your life right now. To make the most of out this, please remember these lines: “Defeat isn’t bitter until you swallow it,” and from John Wooden: “Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.”

Pisces: Please pick and randomly apply the following Coach Wooden saying to your life everyday this week: A) “Ability is a poor man’s wealth.” B) “Be prepared and be honest.” C) “It isn’t what you do, but how you do it.”

Aries: Here are your Universal truths for the week. Thoughts become things. Your reap what you sow, and as Coach Wooden used to like to say,  “If you’re not making mistakes, then you’re not doing anything. I’m positive that a doer makes mistakes.”

Taurus: Here are your great questions to ponder for the week: 1) If not now, when? B) Isn’t ‘Self-Help Group’ an oxymoron? 1a) Courtesy of Coach Wooden: “If you don’t have the time to do it right, when will you have the time to do it over?”