Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Gemini: The bad news: Studies released this week declared that “female Viagra” doesn’t work. The little pink pills for women have had “lackluster effect” on patients. The good news: They might have just been testing the wrong women. The great news: Tequila paired with the following saying has had much better results: “I want you. I need you. I have to have you now, Candypants!”
Cancer: Since Cancerians tend to not only move to the beat of their own drummer, but rather appear to move to the beat of their own marching band, the key for Cancers isn’t just accepting their own weirdness, but the inherent wackiness in others, too. Therefore, your new saying is: “I’m not weird, I’m just a limited edition.”
Leo: Just in case you forgot, Clouds is here to remind you of the following truths: 1) Life is all about mindset. 2) The answers are being whispered; we just don’t listen well. 3) If at first you don’t succeed, you can call it Version 1.0.
Virgo: There are lots of possibilities rolling your way. But the Stars warn that if you’re not careful, small-minded people (or even small-thinking yourself) could screw things up. So stay on the positive side, don’t take negativity personally and listen to fellow Virgo, Van Morrison: “You saw me climbing to the top of the hill. You saw me meeting with the fools on the hill. Learned my lesson and I had my fill.”
Libra: Studies have shown that couples who don’t fight are more likely to divorce. You see, it turns out the real key to a happy marriage is how the couple connects intimately. Be it fighting or fornicating, traveling or making dinner together, sharing deep dark secrets, deeply held dreams or kinky hanky-panky fantasies about high heels or pizza delivery people, it’s all about sharing, connecting and finding a solid “safe” word.
Scorpio: There’s something about Scorpios that makes them self-destructive, and lets them push things too far. Therefore, your new assignment is to learn when to say when, and your new limerick: “There once was a man from Peru, who had a lot of growing up to do. He liked to ring doorbells then run like hell. Until one of the residents shot him in the ass with a .22.”
Sagittarius: In case you had a rough day or two last week, Clouds would like to remind you there are plenty of reasons to keep your head up. 1) It’s better for your posture. 2) You have beautiful eyes. 3) Peter Gabriel sang, “Don’t Give Up!” and you can’t ignore Peter F-ing Gabriel, for crying out loud!
Capricorn: Ways to spot a famously feisty Cap … Uses: strategy over force. Acts: reserved. Wears: comfort over fashion. Says: surprisingly bold things, such as, “Do you work for FedEx? I could have sworn you were checking out my package.”
Aquarius: Lots of good energy has been infused into your personal life, which is a lot better than having lots of warm water infused into your rectal area. Regardless of your relationship status, it’s sure to be getting healthier. Therefore, don’t be surprised to hear something such as the following: “I’d love to do lunges with you.”
Pisces: Your role model for the week is fellow Pisces Daniel Nava, who’s big dream was to be a Big League baseball player. And he held it fast. He held it when he got cut by his college team, and when he went un-drafted after college. He held it playing independent ball and minor league games in Lancaster. It took him nearly a decade, but last week Nava finally got his call to the majors — and became only the second person ever to hit a Grand Slam on the first Big League pitch he ever saw. Hold on tight.
Aries: Here is your power word for the week: Snuggle. Your need-to-vent word: Snodgrass! Your lucky garment: Anything underwear except Granny/Grampa-panties. And here’s your cheesy pick-up line for the week: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Hali-but. Hali-but who? Hali-but we get down to a little fishy business?”
Taurus: With Father’s Day coming up this weekend, Clouds reminds you to remember your father. And don’t just remember the time he accidentally dropped a beer on your head when you were a toddler, or how he embarrassed you as a teenager, or the annoying way he eats apples. Instead, think of his strengths, so you can put the p, a, r, t, i back in patriarch.
