Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Cancer: The Stars suggest you exercise caution with your trust right now. To help, here are a few hints about trustworthy people: They don’t bad-mouth other people. They don’t spend much time in prison. They don’t accuse other people of being things such as passive-aggressive or “dickheads.” They don’t disappear when the going gets tough; they show up late with a six-pack and a pizza.
Leo: Your key to success right now will be to walk away from any confrontations. Your key to a good holiday week will be to not drink and drive. Therefore, your new mantra: “I want to go to Bridgeport for the scenery and fishing, not to visit the ‘Bridgeport Hilton.’”
Virgo: Your good luck t-shirt for the week is in your lucky color of deep blue and should read: “It aint easy being this AWESOME!” Your lucky number is 35. Your lucky word is “creamsicle.” And your lucky message for the world: “Honk if you love Jesus. Send a text message while driving if you want to meet him.”
Libra: It’s recently been announced that Charlotte, North Carolina is the manliest city in America. This is based on things such as monster truck rallies, power tools sold and the general musky odor of the place. To help you get in touch with the power of your own testosterone (something both sexes have), get some exercise and be sure to exercise your libido before it gets love handles.
Scorpio: The biggest problem in life most Scorpios have is that sometimes they feel like they don’t deserve love, which is usually followed up with a self-destructive streak that resembles the thrashing King Kong gave New York. To help with this, make sure you never forget that you are not a monkey, and love isn’t something you poop on and then throw at people.
Sagittarius: Since you — as well as the majority of your fellow countrymen — are in the midst of challenging financial times, Clouds would like to pass on the following tips: Money can’t buy you love, but it can rent you affection. Money can’t make you happier, but it can make you more comfortable while searching for happiness. It’s fun when money sticks to you like honey … so long as you don’t mind the bees, bears and bums.
Capricorn: Since we’re in the midst of the time of year dominated by your opposite sign, Cancer, here are a few other opposites in your life: Caps are driven by a fear of failure, even though they practically never fail at anything. Caps don’t believe in Horrorscopes, but they still read them almost every week. Caps are humble, but can sometimes be heard sayings things such as, “If nobody’s perfect, I must be a nobody.”
Aquarius: It looks as though stress on the work front is still on red alert, and since it’s all being caused by over-inflated egos, try this trick: The next time someone is going off on some negative tangent about work, pretend they’re really saying something rather like, “I’m so great that sometimes I’m jealous of myself.”
Pisces: With tension higher than Snoop Dogg in both your social and work circles it might be real tough to keep your cool right now. To help, trying going for long walks, spend a few minutes each day listening to the birds of summer singing and occasionally sing along to the D-O-Double G: “Keep groovin’, that’s what we doin’. And we gonna be together until your mom moves in.”
Aries: Just in case you forgot, the best way to make yourself feel better is to help others feel better. What you give, you usually get back ten-fold. Therefore, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia” is the source of your anti-advice for the week: “Dee is going to be a Judge and you want to know why? Because judging other people is the greatest way to make yourself feel better.”
Taurus: Here are your Big Questions to ponder for the week: 1) Why aren’t you creating more happiness in your life? 2) What does cheese say when you take its picture? 3) Why not you? 3a) Why not now? 42) Since big-breasted gals work at Hooters, then why don’t one-legged hotties work at IHOP?
Gemini:The Stars are asking you to tighten up the belt on your financial life. That doesn’t mean you can’t have any fun, it just means you should stay the course of your budget and not blow it just because someone says something silly such as, “Whoever said talk was cheap never tried talking to a lawyer.”
