Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Virgo: Since one of Virgos best matches are Tauruses, your words of wisdom for the week—besides “Just say no to drugs” and “Screw the Establishment”—come from a Taurus, Al Pacino. As his character from Scarface so famously said, in the kind of gut-wrenching honesty Virgos love, “All I’ve got in this world are my balls and my word. And I don’t break either one of them for anyone.”
Libra: Your anti-role model for the week is the woman who somehow managed to fall off her riding lawnmower after hitting a pothole in downtown Francis, Oklahoma. Her six-speed, 38-inch mower then ran her over, taking her life. There was no reason given as to why she was driving a lawnmower through town at 10:30 p.m. Lesson: This kind of crap never happens with Weed Whackers.
Scorpio: Many people don’t believe that there’s any real astrology in Clouds’ weekly ass-trological reports. And while Clouds certainly understands that mentioning so much ass can be distracting, Clouds would like you to know that just because you’re a Scorpio doesn’t mean you have to spend so much time worrying about such trivialities. It just means you like to.
Sagittarius: The Stars would like to remind you that sometimes all you need are five good gears, a tank of gas and somebody to ride shotgun. A cooler full of your favorite brews doesn’t hurt either. But please remember that if you’re going to be drinking and driving the only thing you’re allowed to drive is a barstool or a remote control. No cell phones.
Capricorn: Your astrologically lucky day of the week is Saturday, but that doesn’t mean it’s all right for fighting; unless you’re neighbor starts blasting Elton John at some godforsaken hour. In which case, feel free to give them a little “I’m a bitch. I’m a bitch. Oh the bitch is back!”
Aquarius: Aquarians are a lot like Lucky Charms cereal—there’s something magically delicious about them. But the way to the heart of an Aquarian is through the noggin, not through the stomach; unless you get them really high and they are overcome with the munchies—in which case, ignore advice of any kind.
Pisces: If you want a girl with a short skirt and long jacket, the kind of gal who uses a machete to cut through red tape, or if you’re looking for a boy who gets up early and goes to bed late, the kind of guy who gives good dividends, then all you’ve got to do is kindly ask the universe. Bathing more often helps too.
Aries: Sometimes times are good or bad. Sometimes they’re happy or sad. But the important thing to remember is that whether or not you like the weather outside, you can always control the weather inside your head. Clouds recommends you set it for “Extra Comfy.”
Taurus: Here are a few keys to the Universe: Attitudes spread like poison ivy rashes. What goes around always comes around, and usually a lot harder. If you mess with the bull you’re gonna get the horns, unless you mess with a “bull dyke,” in which case you’ll get the Drag Queen.
Gemini: Earlier this week, Mexico celebrated its 200 birthday. To celebrate, treat yourself to a Carne Asada or some refried beans. But please keep in mind the while beans may be the musical fruit, they’re also the food that makes those around you want to start smacking you like a big piñata for making the room smell so bad.
Cancer: The Stars say this would be a fantabulous time to focus on money matters, because money really does matter. But it doesn’t matter as much as love or acceptance or spooning on the couch while watching a movie. Keep these things in mind and you’re sure to be fine.
Leo: Thoreau said, “It’s not what you look at that matters, it’s what you see.” For you, dear Leo, perspective is everything, especially when it comes to the happiness and pain that life inevitably brings. Channel your higher self this week and focus on what you do have, like good health, great friends and that fuzzy thong you break out for “special occasions.”
