Mark Deeds, left, and Council member Matthew Lehman say “prost” at last Saturday’s Oktoberfest. Perhaps Lehman was toasting Wednesday’s 15-minute Council meeting in advance. (Photo: Geisel)
As we get deeper into shoulder season, the days grow shorter, our wallets grow lighter and every day is an exercise in survivalism. See if you can survive this week’s Choose Your Adventure.
1. After your last withdrawal, you have $21 left in your bank account, your rent is five days overdue and your dog is on the brink of leaving you for the kind, old lady at the end of the street who feeds him doggie treats in the morning (you let him out for his morning exercise because you’re too damn lazy to walk him yourself). You need a plan. If you resort to gambling, go to #2. If you look for a job, go to #3. If you take a cue from the movie Animal House and roadtrip, go to #4.
2. If you decide to buy lotto tix, go to #5. If you swing by Lakanuki to play Sunday night bingo, go to #6.
3. Job? Who are you kidding? You don’t have any skills. And it’s too late to apply to operate one of the marijuana dispensaries. But wait, it looks like the Fifty Center is advertising a position for a writer. If you apply for that job, go to #7. If you think you’re better off replying to the internet ad that promises you can make $5,000/month at home, go to #10.
4. Great idea. Too bad none of your friends have any money to fill the gas tank. If you decide to go out to the bars looking for a Sugar Mama/Sugar Daddy to facilitate your plan, go to #8. If you decide to hitchhike, go to #9.
5. You buy $100 worth of scratchers. Which return $47. If you reinvest in a second round of scratchers, go to #12. If you cut your losses and look for a job, go to #3.
6. Life experience has proven that gambling only pays if you fix the game. If you bribe the caller, go to #15. If your conscience guilts you into playing it straight, go to #16.
7. You are ushered into a small, windowless cell deep within the catacombs of the Fifty’s offices and are administered a one-question test. S#%t! Is it spelled recieve or receive? If you spell it recieve, go to #18. If you spell it receive, go to #19.
8. They’re selling $1 drafts at The Tap. You’re hammered. Somewhere along the line, you’ve lost your shoes. You don’t know why you’re here. If you go home with the next person who speaks with you, go to #17. If you decide to take a nap in the corner, go to #21.
9. The first person who stops seems a bit creepy, but it is cold outside. If you take the ride, go to #22. If you let it pass, go to #13.
10. Your friends all disown you for inflicting spam upon them. There’s no money in that. Hmm. Inflicting spam upon people for profit? Is there a job still available at Mammoth Lakes Tourism? Go to #30. If you apply for the only other available job in town, that of a Production Assistant on the Bear Whisperer, go to #11.
11. Before hiring you, Steve Searles wants to check your marksmanship skills to make sure you can defend yourself from bears and/or irate raccoons. If you can hit a tin can from 25 yards in less than four shots, you’re hired. Go to #14. If it takes you more than four shots, you must work for the MLPD. Go to #15.
12. You buy $47 worth of scratchers tickets, which returns $22. If you reinvest in a 3rd round of scratchers, go to #24. If you decide to include this anecdote (turning $100 into $22 in a matter of minutes) as part of your cover letter to the Town of Mammoth Lakes, congratulations, you’ve been hired as the new CFO.
13. The second person who stops for you is even creepier. But now you’re really cold. If you get in the car, go to #22. If you keep holding out for a better ride, go to #25.
14. Steve orders you to climb down into a culvert to get a closeup. If you follow orders, go to #25. If you decline, go to #27.
15. Just your luck. You’ve bribed the caller, but it’s MLPD Camaraderie night, and there’s no fooling Johnny Law. They’re onto your scam, and draw straws to decide which off-duty officer will kick your ass. Casabian, of course, draws the short straw. Talk about a guy who can’t catch a break. If you’re taken out back and get your ass kicked, go to #26. If you end up kicking Casabian’s ass, go to #23.
16. Oh, there’s a reason why you never play bingo. It’s boring as hell. But you stick with it. For hours. Because it’s warm inside. This leads you to believe that you may have the temperament for politics. You declare your intention to run for Mammoth’s Town Council. Go to #31
17. You wake up with someone 30 years older than you are. Not so good. But they own their own home. Awesome. And they only come up on the weekends. Even more awesome. You ditch your own place because you know where the secret key is hidden and squat until your seasonal job starts.
18. You’re hired! Your first assigment: to cover a Town Council meeting. If you decide to cover the meeting in person, go to #20. If you decide to watch it at home with the case of beer you bought with your advance, go to #28.
19. You’re not hired, as the editor determines that your spelling prowess might be a potential threat to her job security. Go to #1.
20. You attend the meeting, take copious notes and submit the story the next day. The editor derides it as being “dull” and you are immediately transferred to the sales department. See #10.
21. You wake up and find that you are locked inside The Tap. If you find it rather enjoyable, go back to #8. If not, call the newspaper to see if they can help get you out. Go to #29.
22. On the downside, you are never heard from again. On the upside, you achieve posthumous fame when your demise is used as the basis for an episode of the hit CBS drama “Cold Case.”
23. You are booked for assault and thrown in the County Jail, where you spend the fall warm and fed and read several great books.
24. You buy $22 worth of scratchers, which returns $8. You then go to Minaret Cinemas for customer appreciation night, and spend the next three months hiding under the seats and subsisting on spilled popcorn and red vines. When Bill finally catches you, you are commended for the cleanliness of the theater and he sets up a cot for you in the restroom.
25. You are found passed out on the side of the road with a mild case of frostbite and are transported to Mammoth Hospital, where you are kept warm and fed three squares a day. When they finally kick you out, return to #1.
26. If you press charges against Casabian, go to #32. If you decline to press charges, you are adopted as a department mascot and are given a warm place to sleep in the evidence room. Uh oh. You find a stash and are stoned out of your mind until spring.
27. Steve fires your ass, but on the bright side, your experience on “The Bear Whisperer” has introduced you to all the best dumpsters in town. Food and shelter all in one! Stay hungry, my friend!
28. Couldn’t stay awake for the broadcast, so you make up the whole thing the next day. You are promoted to senior writer. Congratulations!
29. The newspaper suggests that based upon your resourcefulness, you’d be a great candidate for public office. After all, says Jack Lunch, you know what it’s like to walk a mile in another man’s, er, never mind. Go to #31.
30. You land a job! Your new assignment is to lead visitor tours through all 65 homes Blondie has broken into over the past two years. Your favorite tour spot is the home of former Mayor Neil McCarroll. He’s always got food in the fridge.
31. The law of unintended consequences! What better way to raise money than to run for office and whore your vote out a few bucks at a time. Your platform? To rip up all Town roads and replace them with Astroturf. That, folks, would create a feet-first, AYSO-friendly community. Your campaign manager: Steve Klassen, a big fan of all types of grass.
32. You press charges and the case goes to court where it is heard by Judge …
I guess we’ll have to wail until November to finish this story.
On to a few editorial briefs of actual significance.
Mayor Skip Harvey will be out of action for a few months. Below is his statement:
“Recently I found out I have a small tumor at the base of my tongue that is sending Squamous Carcinoma cells to the lymph nodes in my neck. Thank goodness it has been caught early so I have an excellent prognosis. I’ll be away from Mammoth Lakes for seven or eight weeks for treatment with the expectation I’ll gradually return to my mayoral duties and Base Camp Cafe starting around mid November. In the mean time, Mayor Pro Tem Jo Bacon will be handling the mayoral activities and my very competent staff at Base Camp Cafe will continue with their excellent service. I will see you in November.”
In Skip’s absence, it took Council just 15 minutes to get through Wednesday night’s meeting. Coincidence? – C’mon now. Skip wouldn’t want me to stop making jokes at his expense. Kirkner said the meeting blew by so quickly that she barely had time to Tweet about it before it was over.
The three Councilmembers present, Jo Bacon, Matthew Lehman and Rick Wood, attended to the only matter of business at hand: scheduling interviews for the 11 applicants for the Recreation Commission.
Councilmembers decided that they would prefer to wait for Harvey’s return to the dais before making a decision and therefore scheduled the interviews for a special meeting on Nov. 18 at 5 p.m. in Suite Z.
At 15 minutes each, the interviews are expected to take three hours.
There are three seats available on the Commission. Among the applicants are Town gadfly Ken Warner, Jane Baer, former Council candidate Dawn Vereuck and Sierra Star’s Dave Schacht as well as Commission holdovers Dieter Fiebiger, Tony Colasardo and Shields Richardson.