Horrorscopes
By Clouds McCloud
Libra: To help assure that family matters go well, not only this week when they’ll be tested, but for the rest of your life, please remember that we choose our own families. Choose to accept them or disown them, love them or ridicule them, laugh with or at them. Therefore, your new motto: “You can’t spell dysfunctional without the fun!”
Scorpio: Statistics show the more often someone uses words like “I” or “me” in conversation the more likely that person is to have a heart attack or other similar health problem. Therefore, try to stop using words like “I” or “me” and try using other words like “us” and “we.” As in, “What do you say we take off all our clothes and we play us a game of naked Twister?”
Sagittarius: Peter Tosh sang, “Legalize it.” Jimmy Cliff sang, “As sure as the sun will shine, I’m gonna get my share of what’s mine.” While “Old Blue-Eyes,” Frank Sinatra, a Sag himself, once said, “I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.” Therefore, your new assignment is to pick your poison carefully.
Capricorn: To help you on the relationship front, here’s some statistically-backed advice about the sexes. Men are turned on by things like: technologically-savvy women, women who can look sexy in simple things like old dress shirts, women who are tough enough to get dirty but still soft enough to be needed by a man. Meanwhile, women are turned on by: jewelry, wedding cakes, actually being listened to and by men doing dishes or vacuuming.
Aquarius: In case any of you gorgeous people of this sign are in need of a little R and R (resting and rubbing up against someone), Clouds thought this line might help you out: “Babe, you make me feel like I have Tourette’s Syndrome, because every time I look at you I get an uncontrollable urge to yell out dirty words.”
Pisces: If you don’t think that love can move a mountain, then apparently you haven’t lived in the Eastern Sierra very long and don’t know the tale of Mammoth Mountain, which is the love story of Dave and Roma McCoy. Therefore, your assignment is to study up on the McCoys and spend some time at the Mammoth Ski Museum. Oh, you mean the museum no longer exists? Ok, for an alternative look at love, watch Jersey Shore instead and learn that love can also move a bush room.
Aries: Creative visualization isn’t just a best selling book by Shakti Gawain. It’s also the key to your contentment. The Stars say you should take time to visualize your ideal life. They say they’ll do all they can on their end to help you out, so long as you promise to include at least a few random acts of kindness and several random acts of nudity.
Taurus: Please pick out your own darnn advice for the week from the followings: A) “If you can’t laugh at yourself, you just don’t get it.” B) “I’m not interested in money. I just want to be wonderful.” Z) “ I go from zero to buck naked in less than a six-pack!”
Gemini: Studies have shown that in order to maintain a healthy brain as we age, it helps to do things like read novels and newspapers, regularly drink coffee or tea, don’t drink too much booze, keep a journal and not watch too much TV. Clouds would like to add that another key to keeping your brain happy is to keep in mind that that’s where your libido has a condo.
Cancer: Here are your words of anti-wisdom for the week: If there weren’t a market for them, there wouldn’t be fakers, blowhards and morons. Here are your words of wisdom for the week: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but four rights should get you back to where you started. And here are some random words: banana, hammocks, fantabulous.
Leo: It’s easy to get angry when someone calls you names like “Jackass”or “Poop for Brains.” But the key is not to take anything personally. Who really cares what someone thinks who would call you such things? You shouldn’t. Clouds has been called many unprintable things over the years, but by far Clouds prefers to be called an “AILF,” an “Astrologer I’d Like to Fondle!”
Virgo: In case you’ve been feeling bummed out recently, here are 4 things to be happy about: The beauty of a brisk autumn breeze; Brazilians (both the people and their grooming style); brownies (with or without nuts); that you don’t have to have make love to Ozzy and/or Sharon Osbourne to help make ends meet.
